Easter Weekend Update

Spring has sprung in old Milwaukee and everywhere you look birds are singing and the homeless are stripping off their extra layers of winter wear.

This weekend I spent a lot of quality time with my family and ate the appropriate quantities of Easter candy (and no, there is nothing wrong with a 25-year-old woman getting an Easter basket).

On Saturday I somehow managed to watch three movies, all of which I will review for you now:

1. Lucky Number Slevin-Super Secret Thumbs Up

Combining a Usual Suspects-esque twist, surprising violence, well-written dialogue, and Josh Hartnett in a low-riding towel for several scenes, this case of mistaken identity thriller will have you guessing till the end. It's no think-piece, but its just really fun. (Similar movies: The Game, The Usual Suspects)

2. The Brothers Grimm-Super Secret Thumbs Down

Matt Damon and Heath Ledger play brothers out to make a buck amidst a superstitious Germany. Now I love fairy tales as much as the next gal, but this movie just was not as fun as I had thought it would be. While I didn't hate it, I probably would recommend waiting until it comes out on TBS over spending the money to rent it.

3. Waiting-Enthusiastic Super Secret Thumbs Down

This movie was just lame. LAME. Although, having just seen the crap-tastic Just Friends (also starring Ryan Reynolds) I do not know why I am surprised. Frankly, I am just sick of Reynold's "I'm too cool for school" line delivery. It just comes off as snarky, and it is the SAME thing every time. It worked in Van Wilder because that was his first break out role, but COME ON! It's been four years Ryan, PLEASE come up with a new schtick! Anyway, unlike successful comedies such as The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Anchor Man, and Office Space, this heavy-handed schlop just misses the mark.

On an entirely unrelated note, it has now been almost a full week since I originally posted about Coworker B's ill-timed Christmas countdown board; and, if you were wondering what could possibly be worse that a person hanging a Christmas countdown board in the office before Easter, I now have your answer: that being, someone hanging a Christmas countdown board in the office before Easter, and then forgetting to update it.

If you INSIST on putting up a crappy countdown to remind your coworkers of how quickly their summers are passing by without them, at least have the decency to keep it up to date! But it has been "258-days till Christmas" on that board all week, and it is really beginning to piss me off.

New Year, New Secret Rantings!

Happy New Year Everybody! Sorry for the lack of posts, my only excuse is that I am very lazy....AND good looking, and the combination of both has kept me from my Super Secret World.

Some updates:

1. Coworker B has restarted her Christmas Countdown in 2007-but had been very lazy about keeping it up to date. Currently the count reads "365 Days Until Christmas," and serves as a constant reminder to that old debate that asks: “What is more depressing, a Christmas Countdown loooooong before Christmas, OR a Christmas Countdown looooooon before Christmas that is ALSO not up to date?” The world may never know.

2. Someone FINALLY took the hint, and bought me one the “Gift Suggestions” I had made in a previous posting. Yes, Little Miss Westchester is now the proud owner of her very own Dwight Schrute bobblehead.

3. The Westchester family went bowling a few days after Chrismas, and were lucky enough to be assigned to the lane next to a “Ninja” and “J.B.” It is unknown whether or not those were the bowler’s real names; however, I would like to err on the side of YES!

4. I spent this New Year’s Eve with Moody St. Clair, Security Steve, Junior Carter and some other people (who don’t have special names on this blog) at Lake Front Brewery. Good times were had by all, and I made the very important resolution to try to be nicer to people-unless it is someone I hate, in which case, all bets are off.

2007 HERE WE COME!

(UNFORTUNATELY, no squirrels were harmed in the making of this poster.)

Living by the law.

I am a law-abiding citizen.

I always look both ways before crossing the road; I have never had a cavity nor a detention/arrest; I vote at every election; I don’t kick babies (unless they REALLY have it coming); and, I always submit my taxes on time (correction: my dad always submits my taxes on time).

Indeed, by all accounts I live by the rules. Well that was, of course, until Coworker B came to Department X. Oh Coworker B with her beady eyes and her big round glasses! It is almost as though she can see right into my head and read my thoughts. Then there is her insistence in maintaining a year-round Christmas countdown, and her cubicle filled with strange nicknacks and colorful baubles-truly she is a character to be studied. Someday I plan to write a poem about her…it will be glorious. In the meantime however, I have been biding my time by consistently altering the Christmas countdown and more importantly, by rearranging her nicknacks after she leaves work for the day.

Maybe I am a little evil, but she has a picture cube on her desk with a portrait of Siegfried and Roy on one of the sides! It looks like a Las Vegas gift shop EXPLODED on her desk.

Hi to my Seven Loyal Readers!

Lately, the world of Little Miss Westchester has been quite busy, and fraught with change. So, in an effort to keep my 7 loyal readers in the loop (you still there guys?), here is an update on some of the more pressing issues I have been secretly ranting about over the past few months.

1. Angry Ear
While my ear no longer seems “angry;” little care I, now that I have received the ridiculously-overpriced hospital bill for my ear emergency. As you may recall, I scratched the inside of my ear a few weeks ago while conducting an ill-advised experiment to test just HOW much of my hand I could comfortably fit into my ear. Apparently, not much. And, when I went to the walk in clinic the next day-the doctor there looked in my ear for less than one minute before telling me that my ear was “too angry,” and that she could do absolutely nothing for me. She then sent me to her hospitals ear-nose-throat doctor who, she thought, would be able to help me. For that, she charged me $82. Eighty two dollars to tell me my ear was ANGRY and that she was having none of it. Trust me honey, my ear is not the only thing that is angry now.

2. Countdown to Christmas
According to Coworker B’s Christmas Countdown Chalk Board (that she has been maintaining since April), it is now only 65 days to Christmas. Ho….ho….hoooooo.

3. Need for Speed...ing Ticket.
I am sure we were all relieved when my friend’s lawyer husband was able to reduce my latest 6-point speeding ticket (which would have brought my infraction score up to a lose-your-license 12 points) to a 2-point speedometer infraction. I had to pay an extra $100 for this, but that was a small price to pay to keep my license. I was feeling good about the whole thing, until I got a letter in the mail yesterday “asking” me if I wanted to take a traffic safety course. As a point of reference, my mother didn’t have to take her traffic safety course for speeding until she was 36. Let the record show, I have her beat by 10 years.

4. Dating for Dummies
While I don’t often blog about the highs and lows of my dating life on this blog, I will say that my decision to ignore my dating scene may be less to do with the dates themselves and more to do with the fact that there really aren’t any. However, last week I had 2 dates, and tonight I am going on date number two with Guy Pearce look-a-like Guy Milwaukee. I had a great time last Monday with Guy, and I am really looking forward to spending some more time getting to know him. Stay tuned for updates next week.

5. Squirrels
I still hate them.

Have a great weekend everybody!

The countdown continues...

Many of you may remember a certain posting I made in APRIL, about the inconceivably-early Christmas countdown one of my coworkers was keeping on the outside of her cubicle. Well in case you were wondering, said countdown still exists today, but with one very noticeable new addition:

All I can say is, it is a VERY good thing it's Friday.

80 days until Christmas...

I like to listen to music in my cubi-cell.

Frankly, it is the only way I can get any work done.

Unfortunately, I also like to silently sing to the music as well, which is the driving force behind today’s little work-related blunder. While jamming along to the Bangles quintessential hit, “Eternal Flame” I quickly found myself lost in the song, dancing and moving my lips along to the music.

It wasn’t until the 2nd time through the chorus that I felt someone looking at me. Quickly I turned around, in time to see Sideshow Bob (known to you here as Coworker J) and Coworker M standing behind me and watching my display.

This, as you might imagine, is not an ideal way to end a work week.

On the bright side, the infamous Christmas Countdown has resumed....

It's time for a comeback!

I have been told by the three people who used to read my blog, that they miss Little Miss Westchester.

Truth be told, I miss them too; and not just because they have given me compliments (which is very high up on the list of my favorite things, behind only reruns of Get Smart and the shiny things I want to put in my mouth), but also because I like to create art work on Microsoft Paint, and this is clearly the only venue where such skills can be put to good use in the real world.

Luckily, I live in a small bubble of office dronedom and in the three months since my last posting, I have only a few key updates to speak of:

1. I have been moved to a desk by the window. Upside, a view of the sunshine and a connection to the world outside; downside, a cubi-cell neighbor who likes to listen to Soulja Boy on repeat out of his computer speakers.

2. Over the past three months I have had many opportunities to travel to glamorous (a word I can now spell without spell check thanks to some catchy lyrics by Fergie) places such as Amsterdam, Cabo San Lucas, and Bayview, Wisconsin.

3. After a brief respite, Department X's unofficial Christmas Countdown is back up, now coming in at a grand total of 311 days until Christmas. You can imagine my delight.

4. I recently swam with dolphins. They were merry.

5. I still fear Squirrels and wish for their swift demise.

6. In Mexico there are large squirrels called Agoutis. I accidentally saw one give birth. It was horrible. But I could not look away.

7. I have learned how to play Cribbage! A game of strategy and cunning, my love for this little joust with cards is swiftly surpassing my lust for rhinestones; however, the card game requires constant basic addition from its players, thus serving as a constant reminder of my inadequacies in remedial math and basic addition.

Well, that's all for now! I don't want to reveal TOO many of my secrets!

But I promise to blog again soon-thanks for checking back!

Update on Naughtiness

Coworker B has proven herself to be a very worthy foe in the battle against ridiculously-early holiday countdowns.

Less than 12 hours have passed since I made that very naughty, very subtle adjustment to her Christmas Countdown chalk board-and she has already switched the erroneous "63" back to the correct "61 Days Until Christmas."

It appears that I am going to have to be MUCH more creatively stealthy when dealing with Coworker B. No more fast movements or erratic gestures. The last thing I want to do is make her mad; because if she channeled the sunshine properly, I bet she could light my face on fire through those glasses of hers. No sir, sparkling personality is no defense against sun-conducting eye glasses.

Naughty, naughty Westchester.

Last night, I officially secured my seat in hell when I secretly changed Coworker B’s Christmas Countdown from "62" to "63 days until Christmas."

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and that I could dance and dance and dance.

Its been a while.

It has been a while since I blogged here. For the few readers who care, I am sorry.

For everyone else, I didn't like you anyway....just kidding, I DO like you, please love me!

Not much has been going on in my Super Secret World these days, with a few notable exceptions:

-The play I was in received critical acclaim from several community newspapers and my mother.

-Coworker B has bravely fostered on with her now, year-round Christmas countdown-unfettered by that seizure she had in her cubicle a few weeks back that resulted in an ambulance-escorted trip to the emergency room.

-I have made several new friends as a result of my play-one of which plays with her hands….PROFESSIONALLY.

-My recreational volleyball team has taken our efforts indoors, as it is now to cold outside to function. It should come as no surprise to you that I also kick ass at sports. All sports, with NO exceptions.***

-Finally, after nearly 10 years spent sitting on a Harry Potter-high horse, I finally began reading the popular series about a month ago, and have not stopped. I am now on the fourth book, and am admittedly growing a bit weary of little Harry and his gangly friends; however, I will be damned if I am not caught up to the series before the final book comes out this July. Literary victory will be mine!!!!

In other news, I am a big geek. (see previous statement: “Literary victory will be mine!!!!”)

***Sports that I am actually quite bad at: Basketball, golf, Luge, any type of skiing beyond a basic snowplow, checkers, football, Frisbee Golf, emotional tennis, tennis, croquette, rugby, sports played on horses, synchronized swimming, the butterfly stroke, running, gymnastics, wrestling, arm wrestling, thumb wars, darts, pool, anything played in a bar, bowling and pinball.

312 Days until Christmas...

...that can't be right!

A-HA! According to "Santa's Official Countdown to Christmas," there are, in fact:

308 Days; 14 Hours; and 27 Minutes until Christmas.

What is Coworker B trying to pull here anyway!?

But maybe I am just trying to distract you from the fact that I have been a VERY lazy blogger lately. It is not that there are not things going down in Westchesterville-it's just I don't have the energy to write about them.

However, I do not want to alienate the 7 readers I have left (bless your hearts), so here is a little recap of how my life has been unfolding these past few days.

This weekend I attended three creative performances: a play, the symphony AND the ballet. It was a very ARTISTIC weekend! And while I do not want to point fingers or name names, I will say that one of the performances was completely awesome, one was very good, and one drove me to the drink. I will leave it up to you to guess which one was which.

In other news, I am still wary of squirrels, the dark, corners, sharp objects and pencil sharpeners.

Sigh. I should start getting ready for today’s meetings.

Don't Eat the Yellow Snow.

With only SIX days left until Christmas (if we are to believe Coworker B's countdown), holiday cheer is building to a fever pitch; and, if you have eyes, ears and the ability to use them, you have no doubt been inundated with a barrage of holiday music and cheer. If you have neither eyes nor ears, than I apologize-because that sucks ass.

Anyway, in an effort to attract humbugs and Jewish readers to Super Secret Rantings, I have put together a song list that has nothing to do with the holidays! So turn off your radios and turn up this kick-ass mix of musical excellence.

For your reference, I plan to call this mix: Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow. Enjoy!

1. “Shining Light” Ash
I thought I would start this mix off with a song that COULD be about Jesus, but is not. It’s a toe-tapper alright.

2. “The Jessica Numbers” The New Pornographers
This song is not offensive-but the band’s name suggests nudity-so, why the heck not?

3. “Here (In Your Arms)” Hellogoodbye
Still upbeat with this song-but you throw in a vocal synthesizer, and it sounds a little bit like robots singing. Do robots know its Christmastime? I DOUBT IT!

4. “Pink Triangle” Weezer
I am no expert, but I am pretty sure that nothing could be farther from the virgin birth than this song about sexual identity crisis, lesbianism, and Rivers Cuomo.

5. “Come on Closer” Jem
I think this song would mean a lot more to me if I had SOMEONE I wanted to get closer to. But since I don’t, who wants a hug?

Slowing it down a bit more with:

6. “9 Crimes” Damien Rice
Somber and haunting, this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas and EVERYthing to do with rocking yourself to sleep on a tear-soaked pillow in a darkened room.

7. “Say it Right” Nelly Furtado
Question: How does a person recover after 20 minutes of straight sobbing through a Damien Rice song played on repeat? Answer: Nelly Furtado.

HIDDEN TRACK: “Clumsy” Our Lady Peace
I don't know about you people, but I am ALL about the SUPER SECRET track listings!

8. “Honestly” Cartel
This song mentions my least-developed virtue in passing, that being: patience. No, patience is NOT my strongest quality. I should work on that. And what does all this have to do with Christmas? That’s right, NOTHING.

9. “Last Embrace” Northern Room
You haven’t heard of Northern Room?! Well I hadn’t either until they handed me their EP the other day while I was dining with friends at Milwaukee’s Apollo Greek Restaurant. The band is from Milwaukee, and they are cute. Enough said. If you like this song, you can hear more of their music on their website: http://northernroom.com/media.html.

10. “Cold Hands, Warm Heart” Brendan Benson
Well, it IS cold outside-you can’t deny that.

If you have any other non-holiday songs you think should be on “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow,” speak up!

Vacation: So close, yet so far away.

I am not going on vacation until August. Mid August. The wait is killing me. All I want to do right now is eat delicious sea food, stare out at the ocean, and sit on the beach under an appropriately large umbrella so as not to expose my pasty-white skin to the sun.

Rather than reporting on the status of Coworker B’s now-year round Christmas countdown; thus sending me into a limitless rage that will last me well into the afternoon, I should instead be thinking about the wonderful vacation that awaits me…in 4 months.

Only 109 days to go!

Meanwhile, on my way into work this morning, I saw two small bunny ears standing at attention in the middle of the road. Where the rest of the small cottontail was, is really anybody’s guess. Logic tells me, the bunny decided to give his ears a rest after spending a little too much time with his mother….but only the bunny can really know for sure.

So really, if anyone SEES a bunny hopping around without ears…or a scalp-please inform said bunny that the ears are doing fine and are, at present, in the middle of a suburban road in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

What can you do with a BA in English?

I am beginning to think that I am NEVER going to escape the nefarious folds of Company X.

As you may have guessed, I did not pass the spelling test; and while I don’t remember exactly how many words I was asked to spell, I somehow got 17 wrong. 17.

It’s enough to make a grown woman cry…oh wait, I am a grown woman, and I HAVE been crying.

But rather than give up, I will press on bravely into the night, I mean, the job force. I WILL find that next, better paying job, where I like my coworkers and I do not feel like I am dying a little bit inside each day.

You might be surprised to know, that in addition to applying outside Company X, I have also been looking within the company as well, in hopes that maybe, it is just the banal task of my current job that is bothering me…well that and the DAMN Christmas countdown.

So when a woman from HR called me the other day with news of a job opening that might fit my skills, I jumped at the opportunity. Company X was anxious to fill the role, so HR set up the interview for the next day-leaving me little time to prepare. The day of the interview arrived; and, as I do with every interviews, I wore my best (and only) suit and brushed my hair.

I arrived early, and when Vice President R appeared, I firmly shook his hand and confidently introduced myself. I then followed him to his office and sat down where I was instructed. Normal pleasantries were then exchange, before R launched into his questions.

The interview started well, however, things took a discernable turn for the worse when VP R asked if I was a “glass is half full or glass is half EMPTY” kind of person.

“Well R,” I said, “I think that in life, I am generally a glass is half FULL kind of person; however, I am also realistic, and I know that there is always the possibility that something happens to the glass- so I believe it is important to anticipate that, and be ready to creatively fix the problem, or glass.”

Silently, R sat back in his chair, considering my answer, then, after inhaling quietly R replied:

“Actually, the way I would have answered that question, is the glass is FULL. Half water, half air-and YOU need to figure out what innovative things you can do with the AIR to stay ahead of your competition.”

……………WHAT!

Air......AIR! First of all, if I was interviewing someone and they gave me a bull shit answer like that, I would be forced to punch them in the face. Secondly, when you asked me that asinine question about the glass-you asked if it were half full, or half empty. THOSE were my choices. At that rate, I might as well have said, that rather than pour my water into a glass, I would rather consider a Nalgene bottle; because Nalgene water bottles are durable, and built to withstand the elements. Plus, they can easily survive a nasty fall down the stairs. I mean REALLY. Who IS this guy?!?