She works (pseudo) hard for the money...

It’s time for Little Miss Westchester to get a part-time job.

The fact of the matter is, my time at Company X is no longer paying the bills (I like to shop) and apparently I can no longer get by on my looks alone****; as a result, I have spoken with good friend Moody St. Clair about getting a second job working with her at the mall. I have an interview on Tuesday. Wish me luck.

Admittedly, there are pros and cons with taking on additional jobs, especially additional jobs that are based at the mall.

Those being:

Pro: More Money
Con: More Work
Pro: Potential for some cool freebies from the new job
Con: Dealing with the public (Translation: Ugly People.)

But on the up side, I am looking forward to the possibility of a second income, even if that income is spent entirely on makeup, rhinestones, and shiney things I can fit into my mouth.

Yay second job!


****Lifetime Gross Income earned from Looks Alone: $0.00.

This post is like my dead fish Elvis-filled with regrets of what could have been.

If you are like me, you try to incorporate elaborate analogies into everyday conversations...and you have a love/hate relationship with cheese.

That's why I was THRILLED when good friend Spanish Houlihan sent me THIS- a list of the top 56 "worst" student analogies compliled by area teachers, and printed by the Washington Post.

Here are some of the highlights:

1. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
2. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
3. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
4. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
6. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
7. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
8. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
9. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
10. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Enjoy.

Happy birthday Hope Valentine!

Today is good friend Hope Valentine's birthday.

This means only 22-some birthdays separate Hope and me from that fateful first play date we shared in kindergarten where a tiff ensued after I told her I hated her favorite gold lame dress up shoes.

Going to the chapel.

Beaker Callahan is getting married next week.

And while, in reality, this wedding will make her Mrs. Beaker Wermerskirchen, I think in the spirit of brevity (and my own personal sanity), we will leave her name as Callahan on this blog.

During next week's much-anticipated nuptials (the wedding of the season, as far as I am concerned), I will be standing in as Beaker's Maid of Honor-a job that requires little knowledge of hand to hand combat, but has everything to do with making sure the bride has an (as close as humanly possible) worry-free experience.

As this is my second time in the role, I believe that I am prepared for whatever challenges may come my way....save perhaps a squirrel infestation in the ball room, in which case, Beaker-you are on your own!

However this weekend, I will be staying close to home to help my new boyfriend-that's right, my boyfriend-celebrate his birthday. I started dating Mr. Mister a little over 2 months ago-and am really enjoying the whole thing. Although, having been mostly-single for the better part of three years, it is an odd thing not having to worry about being the only single member in attendance of an otherwise couple's night out, or desperately having to scrounge up a plus one-for any weddings or couple-centric events that might come my way.

I haven't told Mr. Mister about Super Secret Rantings; however, I hope that when I do, he can accept my many quirks, including the fact that I have numerous fears, many of which are fictional or could fit comfortably inside of a lunch box.

Four states in three days, and that ain’t bad.

The saying goes, “what happens in Evansville, Indiana, STAYS in Evansville, Indiana,” and this is especially true when you are attending a wedding and reception in a casino.

Yes, this past Friday, Jazzy A, Foxy Sunshine and I took a road trip down south to attend the much-anticipated nuptials of college friends Allison and Mathew (spelled with only one T, a lesson I learned the hard way after I had already addressed their card in black ink).

In our down time, Foxy, Jazzy and I crossed the bridge into neighboring Kentucky in hopes of hitting up the county fair (this means that in the course of three days, I was in Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, AND Kentucky. 4 states in 3 days! Now THAT’S living!). Unfortunately, the fair was an evening thing, so the girls and stopped for lunch (corndogs!!) at a Sonic Drive-In burger joint before heading home to get ready for the wedding.

As you might imagine, the nuptials were lovely. With a 7:30PM start time, this was to be an evening ceremony. The church was illuminated by candlelight with the last bits of light from the setting sun streaming through richly-colored stained glass windows. The bride wore an elegant champagne-colored gown and long flowing veil, the groom was dapper in his black tuxedo, and the wedding party looked wonderful in tuxedos and floor-length, chocolate-colored dresses.

After the ceremony, the newlyweds marched out of the church to songs from the original Starwars trilogy, a choice that surprised me until I glanced over and noticed an audience member had donned a Chewbacca mask. This, I later learned, was a tribute to the groom.

Next it was onto the Aztar Casino for drinks, dancing and warm appetizers.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend! I got to spend time with some of my dearest friends, and I was able to attend a really fun wedding, with lots of personal touches (see: Chewbacca mask).

The one down side was the total of 16 hours I spent in the car, because, as I can assure you, road trips are not my favorite thing. Here are some photos from the 12-hour portion of our drive that we spent in the winding, and ever-varied landscapes of Indiana:

Congratulations again to Allison and Mathew! And as I signed in your official wedding guest book, "May your lives together be filled with happy endings, and may you always live by a Super Target." Also, thanks again to Jazzy and Foxy for an unforgettable weekend of fun-can't wait to see you in Milwaukee in the upcoming weeks!

Weekend Smackdown and/or plea for readers.

I have been in a creative slump.

I am not sure what exactly contributed to said slump, but I would be willing to guess it had a little something to do with Company X. Coworker X, on the other hand, is just fine. In fact, just the other day, we had an animated talk debating which of us was the better athlete; and, like so many of our chats, this one ended with a threat from me having a little something to do with a shiv and Coworker X in a dark alleyway.

Moving on, I had a great weekend. On Friday, I met some girlfriends at The Hi Hat for cocktails and people watching (cough, judging). The next day, I awoke early to get ready to attend a bridal shower for good friend, Beaker Callahan. This September, I will be proudly standing behind Beaker as the maid of honor in her wedding, and this is the only shower (aside from her bachelorette party) that I will be able to attend. During the course of the shower, I dazzled the crowd with performances of my entire magic trick repertoire. The more impressive of my two tricks involves the disappearance of a sugar packet, followed by its immediate reappearance in someone’s bra. This usually goes over well with adults, but perhaps should have been altered for the sake of my singular audience member- Beaker’s six year old niece.

Saturday night I met up with Petal Personality, Keanu Personality, Darling Peterson, Wakefield and Franklin Serious for a birthday celebration for Wakefield. I brought Wakefield a birthday card that prominently featured a little boy picking his nose with a note inside explaining that I had picked the card myself.....perhaps this joke really is only funny to me.

At around 3AM, I traveled the road less taken (acting responsibly after a long night of drinking) and declined invites for a late night snack at Ma Ficher’s so I could catch some much needed shut eye before hitting Sunday morning’s 11AM boating trip that I had committed to weeks before.

No sooner was I home, than I made an executive decision to take a brief nap on my couch in order to muster up the much-needed energy I would need to cross the last 10 feet of my apartment into my bedroom.

The next morning, I awoke to discover that my couch is not as comfortable as I had once thought and that I can nap, afterall, but only after I have been subdued by a heavy combination of Miller Lite,a big glass of Vodka and Cranberry juice, and exactly three Ego Waffles.

As you might expect, Sunday came fast for this little blogger, and I was slightly less than thrilled at the prospect of boating on the Milwaukee River. But, I hosed myself down, ate a few rice cakes/chugged a can of Diet Coke and headed off to the marina. After 5 hours on the river-two things are now clear to me.

1. Farmer’s Tans can affect anyone at any time-even the pale, closeted bloggers with a penchant for shiny objects and nothing short of SPF 55.

2. The Milwaukee River smells a little bit like fish and regret.

Well, now that I have broken that writer’s rut-o-mine, perhaps you can look forward to some more updates from your’s truly; or at the very least, some carefully-executed Microsoft Paint art!!!!

Tale of two cities.

This was a great weekend.

On Friday night, I accompanied Rachel California and Laney LaRue for the grand opening party of Milwaukee’s Intercontinental Hotel. In addition to a spirited performance by Milwaukee’s pop darlings The Gufs, there were free drinks, free food and respectful conversation all around. After the girls and I sampled all there was to sample and the band had finished their set, we headed up to the after party, where I somehow started talking to some model named Stacey and her kooky boyfriend Todd.

Attempting to court The Gufs.

To onlookers at the party, it might have appeared as though Stacey, Todd and I had known each other all of our lives-perhaps spending our childhood summers together in Lake Geneva. Learning to ride our bikes side by side. And don’t get me wrong, Stacey and Todd were nice and all; but looking back, my enthusiasm for our conversation was more likely rooted in the enthusiastic mix of beer, wine, and champagne I was drinking all night, rather than our chat about Todd's photography. This, of course, is just a guess.

Eventually the party came to an end; and, after exchanging woeful goodbyes with my new best friends Todd and Stacey, Laney, Rachel and I headed home.

Back in my apartment, my champagne euphoria quickly spiraled into something a little less…euphoric, resulting in several unintelligible drunk texts, a well-intentioned drunk dial to Coworker X, and a few purposeful trips to the bathroom once my otherwise sturdy bedroom began spinning violently around my head.

As you can imagine, I would have liked to have spent the better part of Saturday with my head under a pillow in a self-sustained cocoon of darkness made up entirely of a plate of peanut butter toast, some Advil, and a complex straw unit set up to allow me to drink water without ever having to move my head or body in any way. But, the show must go on, and I had a $3.00 Megabus to Chicago to catch! Yes, I spent my Saturday and Sunday visiting my old college pals and I Felta Thigh sorority sisters: Peppermint Patty, Jazzy A, Nurse Blondie, Foxy Sunshine, Miller Time, and the incomparable F’n Early!

After Jazzy picked me up at Union Station, she proceeded to take me on a lovely tour of downtown Chicago’s Millennium Park. There I marveled at my reflection in the Cloud Gate statue (which basically looks like a big silver bean), and spent the better part of a half hour imagining my face within The Crown Fountain impressive video display. Next it was onto Weed Street’s Sangria Restaurant for some delicious Tapas and, you guessed it, Sangria. Delicioso.

Here I am on top of the Bean!

In what seemed like no time at all, it was 3:00PM Sunday afternoon, and I had to hop back on the bus back to Milwaukee. I was sad to see my buddies go-but the adventures of Little Miss Westchester must go on; with your girl steadily growing a little older, a little wiser, and hopefully next time, with a little less of a champagne hangover.

Strangers in the Night

In what will probably turn out to be a catastrophically bad decision on my part, I have decided to go ahead with my plans to read Stephen King’s collection of short stories, “Everything’s Eventual.” My fear of the dark notwithstanding, this should prove to be a giant mis-step on my part for many, many reasons.

Firstly, I have an unusually-active imagination, especially when I am alone in my apartment (which happens quite a bit actually, as I live alone and rarely entertain). Last night, for example, even after I had checked and then rechecked all of the closets in my apartment for hidden marauders and/or knife-wielding psychopaths, I still managed to lay awake for OVER an hour in my darkened bedroom waiting in expectant terror.

Gripping my sheets tightly, my eyes darted around the room sure that at any moment a ghost (that I was certain was lurking somewhere behind my Lasko 18" Oscillating Pedestal Fan and my collection of Sex and the City DVDs) would ghoulishly reveal itself to me. Oh I fell asleep eventually, exhausted, and resigned to the fact that I might be killed in my sleep by an unseen foe or a really well-hidden marauder.

What set me off in this dizzying spiral of paranoia, you might ask?

Oh, a teaser for an upcoming episode of the WB’s “Supernatural,” that I accidentally watched before turning in.

Sadly, last night’s debacle is nothing compared to the widely-preventable fallout that resulted in a viewing of The Ring during my senior year of college. Let’s just say that after three sleepless nights and a couple of really cranky days, I did not make my situation any better by visiting the film’s official website or by moving my mini-television out into the hall.

Normally, I avoid scary movies and literature of this nature like the plague-but while catching an evening showing of Grindhouse the other night, I saw a preview for 1408-a movie based on one of the short stories within “Everything’s Eventual.” A quick glance over to my movie-mate Moody St.Clair and it was clear I would NOT be seeing that movie; the trailer scared the crap out of me. But for some reason my mind is making an exception for the book; and like a bird flying towards a window it cannot see-I plan to read every last page, and deal with the long list of shadowy consequences that are sure to follow.

Now would probably be a good time for me to invest in a Starbucks gift card, or to finally give in to that sponsorship deal with Redbull.

Super Bowl Reflections

This past Sunday, I joined Americans everywhere to watch the annual Super Bowl game.

I imagine the pre-game anticipation was great for Bears/Colts/gambling addicts alike; however, having never been much of a fan of watching sports on TV, I put my pre-game energy towards other things. Bigger issues. Namely: brain storming what I was going to bring to the Super Bowl party.

Now I don’t know about you people, but whenever I am invited to a party, I spend the weeks leading up to the event agonizing about what to bring. Should I take the easy way out and pick up something at the store OR should I make that extra effort and bring something home made? Both options are appreciated by the host-however, when successful, only one of the two truly works to both impress and provoke enthusiastic praise from the other party attendees. And, being a slave to my need for constant positive reinforcement, it should come as no surprise to you that I ultimately opted to make something.

For this party, after placating the hostess with a breezy promise to bring my specialty, “Baked Lays”(a clever decoy), I ultimately decided to REALLY show everyone else up with an ever-popular “Fruit Pizza.” Surprisingly easy to make, a fruit pizza is a delicious dessert that uses a giant sugar cookie as the crust, cream cheese as the sauce and various colorful fruits as the toppings. Bragging rights with the fruit pizza are considerable-as very few people think they could make such a visually appealing concoction. They are probably wrong about that…but who am I to correct them?

As the other guests slowly arrived, I made sure to usher each one past the dessert table-silently waiting for the inevitable query, “What is that, a fruit pizza? It looks DELICIOUS! WHO made that?”

“Oh that,” I would say with a coy smile, “I made that.”

(INSERT Inevitable fawning and visible awe here)

All in all, the party was a complete blast, although I didn’t really watch the game-save a few purposeful glances at the TV between trips to the bar, respectful conversations and persistent attepmts to haze the other guests into sampling/looking at my fruit pizza.

Congratulations to any Colts fans out there; and sincere condolences to my Bear’s fans. Peppermint Patty/Spanish Houlihan, I am talking to you.

CLICK HERE to get your very own Fruit Pizza recipe. Westchester tested and approved.

Dream a little dream 3

Last night I had a dream that I was at my high school reunion...and Neil Patrick Harris was there.

Neil Patrick Harris didn't go to my high school.

On another note, I would just like to give a special shout-out to Fucking Early, Jazzy A, and Foxy Sunshine for coming up to Milwaukee this weekend. You guys made my day!

Happy Birthday Moody St. Clair!

This birthday tribute seemed like a good idea when I created it yesterday afternoon...that was until Moody told me she no longer liked Nip/Tuck on the phone last night. Either way, many happy birthday wishes to my old pal Moody St. Clair!


The gangs all here!

New Year, New Secret Rantings!

Happy New Year Everybody! Sorry for the lack of posts, my only excuse is that I am very lazy....AND good looking, and the combination of both has kept me from my Super Secret World.

Some updates:

1. Coworker B has restarted her Christmas Countdown in 2007-but had been very lazy about keeping it up to date. Currently the count reads "365 Days Until Christmas," and serves as a constant reminder to that old debate that asks: “What is more depressing, a Christmas Countdown loooooong before Christmas, OR a Christmas Countdown looooooon before Christmas that is ALSO not up to date?” The world may never know.

2. Someone FINALLY took the hint, and bought me one the “Gift Suggestions” I had made in a previous posting. Yes, Little Miss Westchester is now the proud owner of her very own Dwight Schrute bobblehead.

3. The Westchester family went bowling a few days after Chrismas, and were lucky enough to be assigned to the lane next to a “Ninja” and “J.B.” It is unknown whether or not those were the bowler’s real names; however, I would like to err on the side of YES!

4. I spent this New Year’s Eve with Moody St. Clair, Security Steve, Junior Carter and some other people (who don’t have special names on this blog) at Lake Front Brewery. Good times were had by all, and I made the very important resolution to try to be nicer to people-unless it is someone I hate, in which case, all bets are off.

2007 HERE WE COME!

(UNFORTUNATELY, no squirrels were harmed in the making of this poster.)

Congratulations to a special Graduate!

After years of hard work and dedication, Security Steve graduated from college this past weekend. From all of us as Super Secret Rantings (just me), MANY congratulations of your accomplishment Steve!

(This picture was not actually taken at Steve's graduation; but, I have it on good authority that there was some serious ass grabbing going on in the second row.)

Past-due Weekend Update

Well heeeeelllllooooooo peeps-o-mine, thank you SO MUCH for reading my blog (note: as always, I will leave a check for you at the agreed upon location).

As I mentioned last week, I spent my weekend visiting good friends Jazzy A, Peppermint Patty, and F'n Early in the Windy City. That's right, Chicago!

Friday, was very low-key with dinner and Borat***.

Then on Saturday me, Jazzy, Jazzy's Mom, Even Jazzier L, and Peppermint Patty headed over to the Ringling Brothers Circus to catch some DEATH-defying stunts and (hopefully) get cotton candy.

Upon entering the "big top"(Chicago's United Center), all I could think about was how cool it would be to work as a traveling carnie...or circus gypsy. Next thing you know, I decided I wanted to join the circus as well!

I thought about all the glamorous costumes I would get to wear as a circus gypsy and the illicit affairs I would have with the buff tumblers and male trapeze artists. Ah what a life that would be. The ONE wrinkle in my circus fantasy was that I could not, for the life of me, realistically figure out was what the hell I would DO for the circus. I am afraid of clowns, so that's out. Then there is my fear of danger-so any high wire/trapeze/pie throwing acts would be out as well. I guess I could work as a face painter...or mime....but I am not sure either of those jobs necessitates a glamorous costume-let alone a feather-laden head piece.


So my circus career was over before it began; which is just as well, because as it turns out, the circus is lame-and from the looks of things, there are hardly ANY cute circus gypsies.

Today I am finishing up my work so I can take the Friday off. My plan for tomorrow's Thanksgiving celebration is to eat until my belly is full, to play about 5-minutes of football with my brothers before I get cold and retire into the house for more TV, and to take long, unchecked naps whenever it occurs to me. Thank God for food-centric national holidays!

***"Jak sie masz!" The much-hyped Borat was indeed a funny flick; however, there is no reason to drop $10 to see it on the big screen. My recommendation to you would be to wait for it to come out on video.

Good News...

...I'm not dead (said with a Scottish accent).

In fact, I survived last night's spinning class with aplomb unlike anything you have probably EVER seen. Not on the news, not on Screech’s porn tape, and not on all of the seasons of Celebrity Fit Club COMBINED!

Granted, I kept my bike's intensity at a cool zero for the entire 40 minute class-despite all of the efforts by the class instructor to get me to do the contrary.

Oh she yelled alright. She yelled and baited me to “pedal harder.” Me, who foolishly raised my hand at the start of the class when she asked if there was anyone new; Me, who jovially shouted out my name for all the world to hear when Instructor Debbie asked me to introduce myself; and me, who somehow managed to make it though the entire class without slipping and dramatically falling off my bike when instructed to stand and pedal. Frankly, I think that was an accomplishment in itself.

It is now 5Pm. T-minus, however many hours it takes me to drive there, before I see good friends Jazzy A and Peppermint Patty in Chicago. Have a good weekend people, and for the love of God, try not to get into any trouble….I don’t have enough readers to lose you.

Work it out...

Today in a moment of weakness, I agreed to go with Rachel California to her spin class tonight.

I am not out of shape, per say; however, I am prone to leg cramps and am worried I might pull a muscle in my ass that would irrevocable keep me from ever developing a perfect J-Lo booty. This is a concern.

Anyway, if you don't hear back from me tomorrow, assume I am lying in a ditch somewhere, nursing a leg cramp and whining to the hobos to bring me a cold compress.

You think you know...

Since my last posting, there have been so many things I COULD have posted on. Things I SHOULD have been posting on….but didn’t. So now, dearest seven loyal readers, I find myself at a loss as to just what I should include in my update.

Let’s see, in the time since I last posted I have somehow managed to defy the space-time continuum by watching 48-hours of Nip/Tuck within a 24-hour time frame; in another misguided attempt at cooking, I have burnt my OTHER thumb (thus rounding out the set) ; Coworker B has added a stuffed animal made to look like a sleeping puppy to her cubi-cell décor……..


AND after a three-month hiatus, Kooky Kathy (the morbidly obese lady who likes to talk to me at my gym while I am trying to stretch) has returned to her seat in the stretching area of the ladies locker room; only now, she likes to be naked……


That’s right people, ALL HELL has broken loose.

So in an effort to escape the madness on Milwaukee, I plan to travel to Chicago this weekend to visit Jazzy A, Peppermint Patty, F’n Early and whatever other lucky ladies happen to meet us out. Watch out Chicago, here I come...and for God's sakes Kathy, put on a shirt.

Thumb wars.

Last night, in an early birthday celebration for Rachel California, some friends and I headed over to the Hi-Hat Bar and Lounge for dinner, drinks, and as always, respectful conversation. The night was lots of fun and the beer/wine/alcoholic beverages was flowing; so by the time I got home several hours later, I guess you could say I was sauced.

Like many of you, I don’t always make good choices when I have been drinking-case in point, last night’s decision to fry Chimichangas as a late night snack. As you would imagine, drunk people should not be permitted to operate a gas stove, let alone hot oil; a lesson I learned the hard way when, as I was quickly trying to serve up my warm cheesy snack, I lost my grasp of the frying pan sending hot oil flying every where, including onto my unsuspecting thumb.

Poor little thumb-you never saw it coming….and now you have a little burn bump that is sore and makes you look ugly. The chimichanga didn’t even taste that good-although I am not sure if that was because I didn’t include the right ingredients in it or because of the scent of burning flesh hanging so lightly over the room….I guess we will never know.

My thumb, understandably upset.

Weekend Update: The Truth about Westchester

When it comes to the weekends, my number one priority is drinking. Lot’s of drinking, coupled with very little sleep, unruly flirting, and little to no consideration for the consequences of my actions.

Nah, I am just kidding….mostly; but I DO like to go out with my friends and have meaningful discussions about how incredibly good-looking I am. I try to do this as often as possible-although my friends are finding it harder and harder to come up with synonyms for “ethereal beauty.”

This weekend started on a high note with a happy hour at McGillicuddy's followed by a show at JD’s Comedy Café. On Saturday, I went to get my hair did before meeting Moody St. Clair, Security Steve, and late arrival, Junior Carter out to dinner at The Knick. After a big meal and two glasses of wine, it was onto The County Clare for some more drinks, respectful conversation, and listening to (making fun of) the quirky, not-quite Irish band that was playing in the background. It was not long before Steve, Junior and I started talking excitedly about wanting to get wasted that night. We debated going to another bar, and tried to decide which establishment nearby would be the best setting for our righteous binge. We enthusiastically weighed in on which of us could hold the most alcohol and gestured widely as we told stories of drunken debacles from years past. Ultimately, we all decided we were sleepy and quickly retired to our respective homes so that we could be in bed, asleep, shortly before the clock struck midnight.

On Sunday, I spent the bulk of the afternoon on my couch watching new television obsession, Nip/Tuck. It is amazing how the day can fly by when you are wholly engaged in naughty entertainment about two of my favorite discussion topics: nudity and the importance of exfoliation. Then around 6PM I headed over to Kate Smiley’s house for dinner club. Each month, Kate, Peaches Wilson and I take turns making dinner for one another while another person makes the dessert. It was my turn for dessert, so I brought chocolate cup cakes made from scratch with home made chocolate/peanut butter frosting. Yum.

Now it’s Monday....I am sure that goes without saying. Unless it doesn't, in which case, you should know that it is Monday.

Vote for Bruce, and I will give you a hug!

Bruce Dierbeck (otherwise known here as Skeet McQueen)'s blog "living on the backside of twenty ... and other diatribes" is up for an MKE Blog of the Week award. Please vote for him!

Skeet McQueen looking stately and official....