Thursday, November 30, 2006

It really does keep getting better...

The other day I had to attend a seminar on my company’s benefits entitled:

“Let’s Rock, Enroll.”

Yeah. I think this one speaks for itself.

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Monday, November 27, 2006

27 days until Christmas.

I could very well use this posting to update you on my weekend. I could talk about how my brothers were in town and how my mom set her festive Thanksgiving sweater on fire while trying to pass me the gravy. I could tell you about the blue-hot flames that quickly shot up my mom’s arm and how my dad yelled “Roll, roll!” at my brother beat out the fire. Then I could tell how after all of that, the clearly-flammable sweater had somehow escaped the blaze unscathed, barring the very faint waft of burning you could only smell if you push your nose deep into the knitted folds of that smiling turkey face.

Sure I could tell you about all of that. Or I could wax poetic about how I gave my number to a guy and how he has YET to call me…..or how an old crush tried to hit on me, but was brutally rebuffed. Yes, I could tell you about that too, but you see, I don’t want to talk about any of that right now. No, there is a much, MUCH more pressing issue that I must address right now-and I can no longer hold it in.

Specifically, my new dermatologist is hot. Sweet lord and is he funny. Not only did he seem VERY knowledgeable about skin care during my appointment today-but oh the banter we exchanged:

Him: You know, you don’t have to come in every year if you don’t want to. I can just refill your annual prescription over the phone.

Me: But if I don't come to see you, how will I get these adorable Cetaphil samples!

US: HA HA HA HA HA.

Sigh. It’s about time these zits of mine started coming in handy. God bless my cute new dermatologist.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Past-due Weekend Update

Well heeeeelllllooooooo peeps-o-mine, thank you SO MUCH for reading my blog (note: as always, I will leave a check for you at the agreed upon location).

As I mentioned last week, I spent my weekend visiting good friends Jazzy A, Peppermint Patty, and F'n Early in the Windy City. That's right, Chicago!

Friday, was very low-key with dinner and Borat***.

Then on Saturday me, Jazzy, Jazzy's Mom, Even Jazzier L, and Peppermint Patty headed over to the Ringling Brothers Circus to catch some DEATH-defying stunts and (hopefully) get cotton candy.

Upon entering the "big top"(Chicago's United Center), all I could think about was how cool it would be to work as a traveling carnie...or circus gypsy. Next thing you know, I decided I wanted to join the circus as well!

I thought about all the glamorous costumes I would get to wear as a circus gypsy and the illicit affairs I would have with the buff tumblers and male trapeze artists. Ah what a life that would be. The ONE wrinkle in my circus fantasy was that I could not, for the life of me, realistically figure out was what the hell I would DO for the circus. I am afraid of clowns, so that's out. Then there is my fear of danger-so any high wire/trapeze/pie throwing acts would be out as well. I guess I could work as a face painter...or mime....but I am not sure either of those jobs necessitates a glamorous costume-let alone a feather-laden head piece.


So my circus career was over before it began; which is just as well, because as it turns out, the circus is lame-and from the looks of things, there are hardly ANY cute circus gypsies.

Today I am finishing up my work so I can take the Friday off. My plan for tomorrow's Thanksgiving celebration is to eat until my belly is full, to play about 5-minutes of football with my brothers before I get cold and retire into the house for more TV, and to take long, unchecked naps whenever it occurs to me. Thank God for food-centric national holidays!

***"Jak sie masz!" The much-hyped Borat was indeed a funny flick; however, there is no reason to drop $10 to see it on the big screen. My recommendation to you would be to wait for it to come out on video.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

What about Brian.

The year 1984 meant a lot of things to a lot of people. Many of you may remember it as a time of great artistic achievement; Penthouse magazine published nude photographs of the newly-crowned Miss America, Vanessa Williams; Michael Jackson's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial; Punky Brewster premiered to national audiences and I made a finger painting that forced onlookers to search deep within their souls and ask, “is that green squiggle a My Little Pony or an 18th century cotton gin?”

1984 was also a big year for motion pictures; and, in an effort to drum up national interest in his newest project, "Full Metal Jacket", Stanley Kubrick placed ads throughout the U.S. asking aspiring young actors to send in audition tapes for a part in his movie. As you might imagine, hundreds of thousands of tapes streamed in; however, throughout the clutter, the most notable talents are bound to shine through…..and, in that light, I present to you the audition tape of Brian Atene.


CLICK HERE to watch the Brian Atene in action.

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Good News...

...I'm not dead (said with a Scottish accent).

In fact, I survived last night's spinning class with aplomb unlike anything you have probably EVER seen. Not on the news, not on Screech’s porn tape, and not on all of the seasons of Celebrity Fit Club COMBINED!

Granted, I kept my bike's intensity at a cool zero for the entire 40 minute class-despite all of the efforts by the class instructor to get me to do the contrary.

Oh she yelled alright. She yelled and baited me to “pedal harder.” Me, who foolishly raised my hand at the start of the class when she asked if there was anyone new; Me, who jovially shouted out my name for all the world to hear when Instructor Debbie asked me to introduce myself; and me, who somehow managed to make it though the entire class without slipping and dramatically falling off my bike when instructed to stand and pedal. Frankly, I think that was an accomplishment in itself.

It is now 5Pm. T-minus, however many hours it takes me to drive there, before I see good friends Jazzy A and Peppermint Patty in Chicago. Have a good weekend people, and for the love of God, try not to get into any trouble….I don’t have enough readers to lose you.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Work it out...

Today in a moment of weakness, I agreed to go with Rachel California to her spin class tonight.

I am not out of shape, per say; however, I am prone to leg cramps and am worried I might pull a muscle in my ass that would irrevocable keep me from ever developing a perfect J-Lo booty. This is a concern.

Anyway, if you don't hear back from me tomorrow, assume I am lying in a ditch somewhere, nursing a leg cramp and whining to the hobos to bring me a cold compress.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

T-shits and giggles, Part Four

Now THIS is funny!CLICK HERE to buy yours today!

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You think you know...

Since my last posting, there have been so many things I COULD have posted on. Things I SHOULD have been posting on….but didn’t. So now, dearest seven loyal readers, I find myself at a loss as to just what I should include in my update.

Let’s see, in the time since I last posted I have somehow managed to defy the space-time continuum by watching 48-hours of Nip/Tuck within a 24-hour time frame; in another misguided attempt at cooking, I have burnt my OTHER thumb (thus rounding out the set) ; Coworker B has added a stuffed animal made to look like a sleeping puppy to her cubi-cell décor……..


AND after a three-month hiatus, Kooky Kathy (the morbidly obese lady who likes to talk to me at my gym while I am trying to stretch) has returned to her seat in the stretching area of the ladies locker room; only now, she likes to be naked……


That’s right people, ALL HELL has broken loose.

So in an effort to escape the madness on Milwaukee, I plan to travel to Chicago this weekend to visit Jazzy A, Peppermint Patty, F’n Early and whatever other lucky ladies happen to meet us out. Watch out Chicago, here I come...and for God's sakes Kathy, put on a shirt.

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Thumb wars.

Last night, in an early birthday celebration for Rachel California, some friends and I headed over to the Hi-Hat Bar and Lounge for dinner, drinks, and as always, respectful conversation. The night was lots of fun and the beer/wine/alcoholic beverages was flowing; so by the time I got home several hours later, I guess you could say I was sauced.

Like many of you, I don’t always make good choices when I have been drinking-case in point, last night’s decision to fry Chimichangas as a late night snack. As you would imagine, drunk people should not be permitted to operate a gas stove, let alone hot oil; a lesson I learned the hard way when, as I was quickly trying to serve up my warm cheesy snack, I lost my grasp of the frying pan sending hot oil flying every where, including onto my unsuspecting thumb.

Poor little thumb-you never saw it coming….and now you have a little burn bump that is sore and makes you look ugly. The chimichanga didn’t even taste that good-although I am not sure if that was because I didn’t include the right ingredients in it or because of the scent of burning flesh hanging so lightly over the room….I guess we will never know.

My thumb, understandably upset.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Top 10 reasons why I love my Dad

1. He thinks every female vocalist I am listening to is Sarah McLaughlin.

2. He is the smartest guy I know and is knowledgeable about pretty much every subject short of make-up and female vocalists.

3. He is good at math and does my taxes for me.

4. During the years that my brothers and I were growing up, whenever my dad would come home from work and see my brothers playing basketball with their friends in the driveway, he would roll down the windows to his Buick and blast the rap radio station at top volume while pulling into the garage.

5. When my Mom and I are watching TV upstairs on Sunday nights he comes up to do regular “safety checks” and to bring us Diet Coke and Popcorn.

6. He sends me flowers every year on my birthday and on Valentine's Day; and on their anniversary, my Dad sends my Mom a red rose for every year they have been married.

7. He is a good man who loves his family and works hard to make sure we are taken care of.

8. He is not afraid to give me a hug.

9. He taught my brothers how to be good men and to treat women with respect; and he has always led by example.

10. I got my sense of humor from him, so obviously, he is a comedic genius.

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Don't Forget!


CLICK HERE to find your voting location.

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One track mind...


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Monday, November 06, 2006

Weekend Update: The Truth about Westchester

When it comes to the weekends, my number one priority is drinking. Lot’s of drinking, coupled with very little sleep, unruly flirting, and little to no consideration for the consequences of my actions.

Nah, I am just kidding….mostly; but I DO like to go out with my friends and have meaningful discussions about how incredibly good-looking I am. I try to do this as often as possible-although my friends are finding it harder and harder to come up with synonyms for “ethereal beauty.”

This weekend started on a high note with a happy hour at McGillicuddy's followed by a show at JD’s Comedy Café. On Saturday, I went to get my hair did before meeting Moody St. Clair, Security Steve, and late arrival, Junior Carter out to dinner at The Knick. After a big meal and two glasses of wine, it was onto The County Clare for some more drinks, respectful conversation, and listening to (making fun of) the quirky, not-quite Irish band that was playing in the background. It was not long before Steve, Junior and I started talking excitedly about wanting to get wasted that night. We debated going to another bar, and tried to decide which establishment nearby would be the best setting for our righteous binge. We enthusiastically weighed in on which of us could hold the most alcohol and gestured widely as we told stories of drunken debacles from years past. Ultimately, we all decided we were sleepy and quickly retired to our respective homes so that we could be in bed, asleep, shortly before the clock struck midnight.

On Sunday, I spent the bulk of the afternoon on my couch watching new television obsession, Nip/Tuck. It is amazing how the day can fly by when you are wholly engaged in naughty entertainment about two of my favorite discussion topics: nudity and the importance of exfoliation. Then around 6PM I headed over to Kate Smiley’s house for dinner club. Each month, Kate, Peaches Wilson and I take turns making dinner for one another while another person makes the dessert. It was my turn for dessert, so I brought chocolate cup cakes made from scratch with home made chocolate/peanut butter frosting. Yum.

Now it’s Monday....I am sure that goes without saying. Unless it doesn't, in which case, you should know that it is Monday.

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Vote for Bruce, and I will give you a hug!

Bruce Dierbeck (otherwise known here as Skeet McQueen)'s blog "living on the backside of twenty ... and other diatribes" is up for an MKE Blog of the Week award. Please vote for him!

Skeet McQueen looking stately and official....

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Happy birthday Jazzy A!

Well, I TRIED to create an adorable little picture of Jazzy A to upload here...but for some reason Blogger is being a little bitch and not letting me post it.

SO imagine, there is a picture of good friend Jazzy A here along with my very sincerest birthday wishes! I can see it now...

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Squirrels, the other OTHER white meat.

I just read a story about a squirrel attacking a mail man in Pittsburgh.

This is one of my greatest fears realized.

For those of you who also hate/fear squirrels, you may want to avoid reading THE STORY as it is just too shocking.

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Snow Report

Apparently it is snowing outside my office right now. FAN-tastic.

On another note, I FINALLY got a job offer at another company, but it would require me to work every Saturday and Sunday from 8AM to 5PM. I don’t think so peeps. I DON'T think so.

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Don't mess with Texas, or Jell-O shots.

This past weekend, your own Little Miss Westchester traveled into the heart of Texas to visit old college friends Spanish Houlihan and her husband Sergeant Houlihan for a long weekend of fun and respectful conversation. Originally, Sergeant and I had intended to SURPRISE Spanish by flying me down in the morning so that I would be in their apartment by the time Spanish got home from work.

Clearly, the element of surprise was key here, so for the entire week leading up to my trip, I spent my days daydreaming about the fun ways I could reveal my presence to Spanish. In one scenario, I would hide in a large box and Sergeant would tell Spanish a package had arrived for her-then when Spanish came close to the box I would pop up with a clown nose on and goggles! In another version, the one I ultimately settled on, I would quietly hide in the back of Spanish's closet; and then, when she went to hang up her cowgirl hat, I would jump out at her with spirit fingers ablaze. In both scenarios Spanish would react first with a scream and then, once she realized it was ME standing there behind the folds of her hangers and clothes, she would dance around the room gleefully-and oh how we would laugh and laugh.

What Sergeant and I did not plan for, and what I could not have foreseen, was that Spanish had somehow known about our plans since the day after I booked my airline ticket. Spanish offered to act surprised if I wanted to hide in her closet, but I declined. Respectfully.

Over the course of the weekend Spanish, Sergeant and I ate burritos, attended Halloween parties, drank the “cerveca,” and then spent large portions of the following day sleeping OFF the effects of the cerveca and some ill-advised Jell-O shots.

I think the trip went really well despite the fact that during the first 24-hours of my trip, my luggage was lost on the flight down, the Houlihan family pet got her paw cut at the vets office requiring a stitch and medication, Sergeant’s car was towed resulting in a $100 ticket, and we were all hung over for the entire Sunday of my visit. Could this be a strange set of unfortunate coincidences, maybe? Or MORE likely, it was fate’s little way of "Trick or Treating" Spanish and I for wearing slutty Halloween costumes.

Many thanks again to Spanish and Sergeant for their warm Texan hospitality.

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