Thursday, April 26, 2007

Kicking zombie ass and taking names!

If you are cool like me, you probably spend several hours a day thinking about how much fun it would be to be a superhero and to successfully defend your city against zombies.

I will be the first to admit that once you start down that path of thinking, it is a very slippery slope. One minute, you're reading Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead (Paperback Edition); and the next thing you know, you are spending hour-long lunches debating the very real likelihood of a zombie outbreak with your coworkers that almost always end with you storming away from the table shouting, "It could happen!" Soon you're spending entire Saturday afternoons at the sewing store reviewing fabric samples that might someday lead to a hero costume unlike anything Hollywood has seen before!!!!!!!! (Sigh.)

The sewing store aside, I was very excited when I found this interactive website that lets you design your own superhero and superhero costume!

How bad ass am I (and yes my superhero weapon is an explosive ball of flames)!?!

CLICK HERE to make a superhero of your own!

Labels: ,

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Overheard in the Office 6

Laney LaRue: It doesn't take much to keep my boyfriend happy! All he needs is some food and some Sports Center, and he's set.

Coworker N: Yeah my husband too. Men are easier to take care of than plants.

Rachel California: Man I hope you guys are right, cause I just accidentally killed a Bonsai tree-and those things are supposed to be the HARDEST plants to kill.

Labels: ,

Monday, April 23, 2007

Vacation: So close, yet so far away.

I am not going on vacation until August. Mid August. The wait is killing me. All I want to do right now is eat delicious sea food, stare out at the ocean, and sit on the beach under an appropriately large umbrella so as not to expose my pasty-white skin to the sun.

Rather than reporting on the status of Coworker B’s now-year round Christmas countdown; thus sending me into a limitless rage that will last me well into the afternoon, I should instead be thinking about the wonderful vacation that awaits me…in 4 months.

Only 109 days to go!

Meanwhile, on my way into work this morning, I saw two small bunny ears standing at attention in the middle of the road. Where the rest of the small cottontail was, is really anybody’s guess. Logic tells me, the bunny decided to give his ears a rest after spending a little too much time with his mother….but only the bunny can really know for sure.

So really, if anyone SEES a bunny hopping around without ears…or a scalp-please inform said bunny that the ears are doing fine and are, at present, in the middle of a suburban road in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.


Labels:

Friday, April 20, 2007

Guide to Pissing off Little Miss Westchester

Super Secret Rantings is my baby. Granted, it is a baby that lives and breaths on the Internet-that I do not have to feed, or water, or skip vacations for because I can't find a trustworthy sitter-but it is my baby none-the-less.

So you can imagine my reaction when Coworker X had this to say about a few past postings I sent him to read:

Coworker X: I don’t get your ramblings. They’re more like personal opinions and diary material that you decided to print out. Mediocre work at best.

Let's just say, the crush is over; and I am now desperately fighting back the urge to open up that can of woop-ass I have been saving for Coworker E.

Labels: ,

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Strangers in the Night

In what will probably turn out to be a catastrophically bad decision on my part, I have decided to go ahead with my plans to read Stephen King’s collection of short stories, “Everything’s Eventual.” My fear of the dark notwithstanding, this should prove to be a giant mis-step on my part for many, many reasons.

Firstly, I have an unusually-active imagination, especially when I am alone in my apartment (which happens quite a bit actually, as I live alone and rarely entertain). Last night, for example, even after I had checked and then rechecked all of the closets in my apartment for hidden marauders and/or knife-wielding psychopaths, I still managed to lay awake for OVER an hour in my darkened bedroom waiting in expectant terror.

Gripping my sheets tightly, my eyes darted around the room sure that at any moment a ghost (that I was certain was lurking somewhere behind my Lasko 18" Oscillating Pedestal Fan and my collection of Sex and the City DVDs) would ghoulishly reveal itself to me. Oh I fell asleep eventually, exhausted, and resigned to the fact that I might be killed in my sleep by an unseen foe or a really well-hidden marauder.

What set me off in this dizzying spiral of paranoia, you might ask?

Oh, a teaser for an upcoming episode of the WB’s “Supernatural,” that I accidentally watched before turning in.

Sadly, last night’s debacle is nothing compared to the widely-preventable fallout that resulted in a viewing of The Ring during my senior year of college. Let’s just say that after three sleepless nights and a couple of really cranky days, I did not make my situation any better by visiting the film’s official website or by moving my mini-television out into the hall.

Normally, I avoid scary movies and literature of this nature like the plague-but while catching an evening showing of Grindhouse the other night, I saw a preview for 1408-a movie based on one of the short stories within “Everything’s Eventual.” A quick glance over to my movie-mate Moody St.Clair and it was clear I would NOT be seeing that movie; the trailer scared the crap out of me. But for some reason my mind is making an exception for the book; and like a bird flying towards a window it cannot see-I plan to read every last page, and deal with the long list of shadowy consequences that are sure to follow.

Now would probably be a good time for me to invest in a Starbucks gift card, or to finally give in to that sponsorship deal with Redbull.


Labels: , ,

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Overheard in the Office 5

Little Miss Westchester: I have a crush on a 29-year old man with three kids ages 3, 7, and 9.

Laney LaRue: Is he married?

Little Miss Westchester: No.

Laney LaRue: ....that's still not ideal.

Labels:

As good as it gets...

When I am not promoting good friend, Kash Money's fabulous hand-made cards (that you can purchase and/or check out HERE), I am longingly browsing the genius cards at uncookedland.com. They are pretty funny, and wrong in ALL the right ways.
Cards I am seriously thinking of purchasing include (but are not limited to):
(The best part about having you as a friend is that I can borrow your lip balm and not worry about getting herpes.)

AND

(If there was an award for the best friend in the world, I'd make sure you'd get it. Even if it meant having unprotected sex with the judges.)

Labels: ,

Friday, April 13, 2007

C.R.U.S.H.

What I am about to say should not surprise you. In fact, if you have read any of my previous postings you will probably just shake your head and affectionately reply, "Oh Westchester, you crazy, loveable bitch." And your sentiment would be right, although I wish you wouldn't swear.

But as you might have guessed, I have a new crush. Coworker X has just not stepped up to the plate, so he will just have to be a friend; until such time as he DOES ask me out, in which case his friend status will have to be reevaluated. But new crush, oh new crush just oozes possibility.

Now comes the delightful, process of navigating the flirting/pre-dating phase and trying to figure out if he likes me in that way. The reality is I am bad at interpreting the behavior of men, which always leads to confusion; and, if the crush I had on Rico Suave a few summers back is any indicator, it also does not help that I have absolutely no gaydar.

Stay tuned!

Labels: , ,

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Grandma got run over by a camper.

Some time ago, I was browsing the Internet (in an effort to avoid accomplishing any real work); and, it was during the course of that lengthy procrastination session, that I came upon an Arkansas Grandma’s blog that recklessly chronicled her love of quilting, family, and long-range hunting rifles.

In addition to a few journal entries, the woman had also included pictures of her home, the dramatic results of her gastric bypass surgery, and more importantly, professional portraits of her grandchildren. This was one of those pictures:



I am not sure what is more distressing in this scenario: the fact that her grandson agreed to a photo shoot of this nature, or that I have held on to this picture for over a year. I will let you make that call.

Labels:

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Yo Mama.

A few years back, R&B’s hit recording artist Usher put out a successful album aptly-titled “Confessions.” Creatively delving into the many ups and downs of his life as a star on the rise, the album had thematic song topics ranging from: getting caught cheating on your boo to having troubles with your baby’s mama and women trying to dance all up on you when you are out in the club.

Three years have passed since the release of “Confessions,” and I am just now beginning to get into the hot single "Yeah" from that album. This new found appreciation for R&B has got me thinking that I could have a very successful career as a R&B recording artist! It also causes me to wonder WHY I have never considered this option before!?

I will name my first album “Westchester’s Confessions Part III” and the cd case will be made entirely of rhinestones. This works because people will spend hours trying to track down Westchester’s Confessions Part I and Part II (but to no avail as they do not exist!!!). I will become a national mystery-rivaled only by lingering questions as to where the hell Jimmy Hoffa is buried and who really shot J.F.K. .

The next step will be to write some songs for WCIII. Right off the bat, I can foresee a few obstacles getting in my way; firstly, and perhaps most importantly, is the fact that I can neither read nor write music.

What I CAN do, however, is come up with THEMES for my songs, which as we all know, is just as good.

So here goes. The kinds of themes I would want to allude to in an album comprised of my darkest, but most marketable “confessions” include:

1. No matter how hard I try, I don’t like Bob Dylan. He sounds like a drunk person who escaped from the home and is trying desperately to order a piece of pie.
2. I am literally unable to rap anything other than my name…which never impresses ANYONE, and that includes my Grandma who is 85 and has osteoporosis.
3. Sometimes I will go for weeks without shaving my underarms…whether or not this has anything to do with the fact that I am still single has yet to be determined.
4. I am not planning on “going country” any time soon…no matter how many times Hope Valentine tries to convince me to go see a Kenny Chesney concert at Summerfest.
5. Ever since my friend Kash Money told me she was afraid of Marsupials, I can’t get the little bastards out of my mind. They are animals, with POCKETS literally built into their flesh. WHAT the hell.
6. Sometimes I stick things up my nose to cheer up my friends.
7. I like Q-tips-no matter how many times they result in an emergency trip to the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.
8. I had my first kiss at the tender age of 8; and, like so many of the men who followed, the guy was emotionally unavailable and soon ditched me to throw rocks at a wall with my younger brother.
9. The only time I will eat pork is by accident and when I am very drunk. If you see me trying to eat pork, for God’s sakes run interference!
10. At the age of 2, I taught a full fake-classroom of imaginary children, wearing only a smile and some grape jelly.

Now I don’t know about you people, but I think I am ON to something here.

Labels:

Monday, April 09, 2007

260 Days till Christmas

Like so many holidays, the Easter weekend is about reevaluating your life, being thankful for what you have, and trying to rope in as much loot/food as possible. Luckily, even at the tender age of 26, the Easter Bunny is still making visits to my house!

This year, my Easter basket was filled with various flavors of Trident Gum (both cinnamon AND mint), a pumice stone, some pills designed to quell the effects of a hangover and a check for $25.00.

Apparently the Easter Bunny thinks I am an alcoholic with bad breath….although, I am planning to use that money to buy booze, so maybe that bunny had the right idea.

Labels:

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Happy Easter**


Happy Easter everyone or Happy Passover...or, or, Happy Kwanza! Happy Grope Your Favorite Secretary Day...?

**Note: The original title for this posting was "Jesus wuz Here"...but with a large and tasty brunch/dessert table on the line, I decided to take the high road on this one in an effort to NOT piss my mother off.

Labels:

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't that good.

One of my coworkers has hung a VERY large, very obnoxious rugby flag on the outer wall of his cubicle.

If you can, try to visualize this gigantic 5ft x 8ft yellow flag featuring bright green letters that I can't quite make out, and a huge green kangaroo in boxing gloves. In an office space built around the strict design principals of muted blues, worn-carpet red, and circa-1980's modern artwork, I can't help but feel a little disconcerted at this flag with a kangaroo staring me down every time I walk to the printer. Not since Coworker B's Siegfried & Roy picture box or boy Weeschester's N'SYNC painting have I been so offended by an office trinket.

So I ask you, should I (A) steal the flag under the cover of darkness and hide it so that it will never again be found. Or (B), leave a menacingly-anonymous note in the offending coworker’s cube asking that he PLEASE move the flag into his own cubicle so that I can walk to the printer in peace?

I mean seriously, who hangs a flag on the walls of their office? It’s not like it's our bedroom for gosh sakes. Cause if it was, don’t you think I would have set up that talking, life-sized cardboard cutout of Dr. Evil I acquired so many years ago?

Labels: ,

All material copyright of Little Miss Westchester...and the voices in her head.
generated by sloganizer.net
free web counters