Yo Mama.

A few years back, R&B’s hit recording artist Usher put out a successful album aptly-titled “Confessions.” Creatively delving into the many ups and downs of his life as a star on the rise, the album had thematic song topics ranging from: getting caught cheating on your boo to having troubles with your baby’s mama and women trying to dance all up on you when you are out in the club.

Three years have passed since the release of “Confessions,” and I am just now beginning to get into the hot single "Yeah" from that album. This new found appreciation for R&B has got me thinking that I could have a very successful career as a R&B recording artist! It also causes me to wonder WHY I have never considered this option before!?

I will name my first album “Westchester’s Confessions Part III” and the cd case will be made entirely of rhinestones. This works because people will spend hours trying to track down Westchester’s Confessions Part I and Part II (but to no avail as they do not exist!!!). I will become a national mystery-rivaled only by lingering questions as to where the hell Jimmy Hoffa is buried and who really shot J.F.K. .

The next step will be to write some songs for WCIII. Right off the bat, I can foresee a few obstacles getting in my way; firstly, and perhaps most importantly, is the fact that I can neither read nor write music.

What I CAN do, however, is come up with THEMES for my songs, which as we all know, is just as good.

So here goes. The kinds of themes I would want to allude to in an album comprised of my darkest, but most marketable “confessions” include:

1. No matter how hard I try, I don’t like Bob Dylan. He sounds like a drunk person who escaped from the home and is trying desperately to order a piece of pie.
2. I am literally unable to rap anything other than my name…which never impresses ANYONE, and that includes my Grandma who is 85 and has osteoporosis.
3. Sometimes I will go for weeks without shaving my underarms…whether or not this has anything to do with the fact that I am still single has yet to be determined.
4. I am not planning on “going country” any time soon…no matter how many times Hope Valentine tries to convince me to go see a Kenny Chesney concert at Summerfest.
5. Ever since my friend Kash Money told me she was afraid of Marsupials, I can’t get the little bastards out of my mind. They are animals, with POCKETS literally built into their flesh. WHAT the hell.
6. Sometimes I stick things up my nose to cheer up my friends.
7. I like Q-tips-no matter how many times they result in an emergency trip to the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist.
8. I had my first kiss at the tender age of 8; and, like so many of the men who followed, the guy was emotionally unavailable and soon ditched me to throw rocks at a wall with my younger brother.
9. The only time I will eat pork is by accident and when I am very drunk. If you see me trying to eat pork, for God’s sakes run interference!
10. At the age of 2, I taught a full fake-classroom of imaginary children, wearing only a smile and some grape jelly.

Now I don’t know about you people, but I think I am ON to something here.