The Usual Suspects

I have to start this post with a big shout out to my friends Stubby and Natalie, a big congratulations on your engagement!

And now, for the weekend update.

As discussed I took the day off from work on Friday with one Peaches Wilson. Together we escaped to the mall for six hours of ardent consumerism and then we took to the theatre to see The Weatherman starring Nicholas Cage and Michael Caine. It was a good flick, I guess, but a little depressing to say the least.

Later that night I hit the town with good friends Petal Personality and her husband Keanu Personality. We talked about love, life and Keanu's blockbuster turn in the feature film Chain Reaction starring Morgan Freeman and Rachel Weisz. That night I had a very strange dream about the horrific effects a bad batch of whitening gel had on a small town's eco-system.please don't ask.

Saturday came fast, and once again, the great pumpkin holiday was upon me. As with every year in Wisconsin, kids from all over the state came out with their best costumes and drank to their heart's...and stomach's content. (Exhibit A: Madison, Wisconsin)

In that tradition, my friends and I were not to be outdone. After extensive planning, we decided to go as the suspects from Clue, with your own Little Miss Westchester starring as the roguish Miss Scarlett. At 9:30PM sharp we gathered "in the hall" if the BBC for some "spooktacular" fun and ambitious binge drinking. Per usual, all of the usual suspects were there: Hope Valentine as Yvette the French Maid, Darling Peterson and her boyfriend Wakefield as Mrs. Peacock and Mr. Green, Petal Personality and her husband Keanu Personality as Mrs. White and Professor Plum, and newcomer Dr. Franklin Serious as a last-minute stand-in for Col. Mustard.

(Also in attendance were Flower Power , Security Steve, and Moody St. Clair-who was acting, well, moodily.)

After a few hours at the BBC we all headed to Mantra to dance the night away and to hopefully "scare up" some additional compliments for our costumes. Dr. Serious turned out to be a really nice guy with a great sense of humor, and subsequently I spent a large portion of the evening joking with him about the first time we met (a scene which involved him drunkenly trying to pet my hair) and discussing what it was like for him to grown up in Fargo.

Finally, as the clock struck bar time, we all headed back to our respective beds for a good night's sleep and hopefully dreams thatinvolveot inolve tooth whitening. I have to say, I really love my Clue friends, and this year's Halloween was really the best ever!

So now I am back in the office where I just had a very awkward conversation with "Coworker P." Here is an except from that talk:

LMW: "How are you feeling Coworker P? "
Coworker P: "Much better, I finally kicked that cold with the help of some very strong booze, and a lot of it."
LMW: (Not knowing just what to say at that point) "Well, salcohol alchohal is the best medicine I guess. "

Oh Mondays. What can you say about them really?

Halloween Sentiments

“Every morning I look down and I'm wearing boots with lightning bolts on them and I think...where did I make the wrong turn?” Ms. Indestructible, The Specials

Halloween is a very special time for me. This can be attributed to the fact that for a large portion of my childhood I imagined myself growing up to be a famous actress; and since that clearly didn’t pan out, I can only hope to be famous for the night…..through an excellent and well-planned costume.

But I digress.

Halloween is a wonderful time when people of all ages wear fun costumes, hand out candy, and try to turn a blind eye to the Pagonistic beginnings of the tradition. Children go door to door “trick-or-treating” for as much candy as they can get their sticky hands on, while adults go to parties and bars and do a little “trick-or-treating” of their own.

Tomorrow Company X will be celebrating the holiday by encouraging all departments to decorate their cubicles, and then allowing all employees to desert their jobs and walk around looking at what their co-workers were able to accomplish. While I am sure this all sounds like it might be fun, it is in reality a gigantic waste of time. So with that in mind, Peaches Wilson and I have taken the day off and plan to go see a movie instead.

So fair readers, forget about hearing from me for a while-although, you can expect an interesting weekend update on Monday.

Have a spooktacular weekend-and try to stay out of trouble; and when I say trouble, I mean the felony kind, not the good-natured fun kind where you steal a plastic goblin off the neighbor’s lawn and then moon the post man….have I said too much?

The Metaphorical Death of Colonel Mustard

For the past few weeks some friends and I have been planning a Halloween coup that would involve each of us dressing as one of the board game characters from Clue. Admittedly, attempting a group costume is always a little touch and go-even more so because we chose to include "Lance Friendly. "

So here's the scene: last night after a long day's work of internet shopping and long walks around the cubicles, I returned home to what I had hoped would be a relaxing evening. No sooner had I finished making my dinner and picked up my book that my phone rings.

It was Lance Friendly, so I answered. and it was this conversation that followed.

Little Miss Westchester: Hi Lance, what's up.
Lance: Hey, I have decided that for Halloween this Saturday I want to go as the detective, and not Col. Mustard.
LMW: What detective?
Lance: Well you know, there was a detective in the game. Anyway, I already bought all of the costume pieces for Colonel Mustard-so if you find someone else to do it, they can just use the costume stuff I got.

At that point, what can you say really? In the larger scheme of things I know that it is not that big of a deal-but I am a Halloween perfectionist and I feel very sad that this, my Halloween group costume dream is going to fall so short.

Quote of the Day

“Ashlee Simpson, the terminally untalented and annoying sister of pop star Jessica Simpson, has the number 1 album this week. Ashlee, famous for lip-syncing on Saturday Night Live, is outselling multiple Grammy-winner and legend Stevie Wonder two to one! This is proof, I feel, that the earth is about to experience some terrible event worse than the Indonesian tsunami, Hurricane Katrina or the Kashmir Earthquake.”

Roger Friedman, Fox News

Speaking of celebrity crushes...

I can't WAIT to see this movie! Who is coming with me?

In all seriousness...

I found these images courtesy of the Associated Press. Where were they taken you might ask? Hawaii? Some surfing hot spot? Somewhere in California's O.C.?

No my friends, these shots were snapped off the coast of New York, with grossly intimidating waves brought to you by Hurricane Wilma.




"It's a good thing I am in my wet suit, because I just wet myself."









The sad thing is, if we didn't have that sign, I bet there would be someone just dumb enough to "risk it."













Just kidding! This is a still from the box office flop Deep Impact (starring Tea Leoni)...is this joke in poor taste?

Today at the office- oh, I'm sorry, did I say the office? I meant hell.

I share a cubicle wall with a lovely girl, "Coworker L. " If I was a guy, I imagine she would probably be my office crush-mainly because I love her fashion sense....and she has a Louis Vuitton purse I would kill for....ok so maybe I would be a gay man.

Either way, that is neither here nor there, because right now I want to talk about my coworkers's ringtones. "Coworker L's" ringtone sounds like a bunch of birds in an aviary. So everytime someone calls her, I feel like I need to duck and cover.

Then there is my other cubicle wall-mate whose ring tone is a snippet from Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning." I used to like that song-but as a ringtone, it sounds like someone is dying and these were their final words of mournful cries.

Whatever happened to a good old fashion ring sound?!

Is it time to leave yet?

If Chloe's OK with it, then by golly, I'm OK with it too.

It's good to see that in this time of war, poverty and frantic media-driven panics, that American actress Chloe Sevigny is maintaining her cool-and leading us all into a true state of educated calm.

Sevigny Unfazed by Bird Flu Threats
"American actress Chloe Sevigny is refusing to succumb to the media hysteria surrounding the bird flu virus. Since the disease emerged in southeast Asia in 2003, more than 60 people have been killed by the H5N1 strain of the disease and, in recent weeks, it has begun to spread to the western world. Despite the media's alarming news report predicting how many people will be killed by avian flu, the Boys Don't Cry star remains calm and collected, insisting she doubts she would be unlucky enough to catch the virus. She tells the New York Daily News, "Doesn't avian flu affect old people more? I'm young and healthy. I have a strong constitution. My mother breast-fed me for years." "(IMDB.com)

You heard it here people....once again, old people are screwed.


Here's another pic of Chloe:

(This still was taken from the movie Shattered Glass. In this film Chloe plays a reporter-which probably means she is smart like a reporter in real life too! Note the paper and pencil in this picture-it shows she's serious about learning-and can pull off a sweater set.)

Kittens and Hooters

Despite its completely inappropriate subject matter, this really made me laugh.

For those of you who are uncomfortable with this, well first of all suck it up, but then after that-maybe it will make you feel better to know that at this moment my primary job for the day is to look through an extensive collection of brochures for the new Hooters Casino Hotel in Las Vegas.

Do you think it is worth mentioning here that the Hooters Casino Hotel has a restaurant called "Nippers"?

Yes people, this is my job. This is how I earn my living. Maybe I am the one needing the pity, and not that dumb old kitten.

Are you there God, it's me Little Miss Westchester.

Famed WWE professional wrestler Nikita Koloff once said: "Remember where you have been and know where you are going." It is this sentiment, I believe, which led me to pick up my copy of Are You There God, its Me Margaret, last night as I tried to fall asleep in my old childhood bedroom in my parent’s suburban home.

Delving into such life-changing subjects as monthly cycles, bust enhancing exercises, and awkward unrequited crushes, I couldn’t help but think back to my own pre-teen years. Those awkward middle-school dances, the catty arguments where words like “four-eyes” were called upon at recess, and the secret societies where covert code names were assigned, and amidst a room full of Kimberly's and Tiffani’s, I somehow ended up with “Mavis.”

Why a woman of 25 wouldn’t have just looked a little harder for something to read? I wonder that myself. However, luckily, by page 58, I was sound asleep. And, as I floated through what I would imagine was a dream world of training bras and boy books, I remember feeling keenly aware of this inexplicable need to find my old retainer.

Boy Band Elite

My favorite part about this is the roommate in the background.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648&q=chinese&pr=google-sl

Something is amiss in the marketing department...

Something is going on in the marketing department. I hear a gaggle of women talking about what can best be described as "get rich quick" scams and the scandelous things their rich relatives do on holiday.

I think I just heard one of the unidentified female voices talk about a small fries that someone she knew had recently won through the McDonald's Monopoly game.

It can't get any better than this.

On the up side, "Supervisor K" is out for the rest of the day. You know what that means?

ELUXURY.COM!!!!

How big of a procrastinator are you?

My first hint that it was time to get back to work and stop screwing around online was when I actually took the "Which Mona Lisa Smile Character Are You?" And then, when I was disappointed with the results, was genuinely tempted to retake the quiz....

The Halloween Drama Continues

The saga continues as Company X prepares for our annual Halloween decorating extravaganza. What was intended to be a fun, inter-departmental bonding excersize has quickly turned ugly as opinions clash and Coworkers struggle to maintain control.

Below you will find a copy of an actual e-mail exchange which took place between two of my coworkers regarding the decoration of their area. Could it get any better, I ask you?!


Original E-mail:

From: "Coworker N"
Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2005 10:07 AM
To: Coworker C; Other Coworkers
Subject: Next week Fri. Our Department’s Halloween Plan

Hello,

I'm in charge of decorating our half of the department for Halloween. As you know the department voted our theme to be "Trick or Treating in the Neighborhood," and each area is responsible for decorating their cubes to resemble a neighborhood. Our area is going to be a trailer park! Are all of you going to be here next Friday? I need to know which desks will be empty that day.

Thanks for your help,

Coworker N
Department X


The Reply to said e-mail:

From: "Coworker C"
Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2005 10:58 AM
To: Coworker N; Other Coworkers
Subject: RE: Next week Fri. Our Department’s Halloween Plan

What? You have to be joking. Who the heck thought of that? We ain’t going to be no trailer park. I am not participating in any kind of trailer park theme, and don't go decoratni my cube to look like that.

Learning about Scientology

While I don't think they will be adding this as a classroom tool anytime soon, I think this pretty well sums it up. Enjoy...and maybe use headphones for this one if you are at work.

http://www.scientomogy.info/videos/263120_yaafm11.swf

Also, for anyone who cares, I am sorry I have been so bad this week about updates! Yes my seven loyal readers, I will try to get a really good update in by the end of the week.

Until then, I leave you with this quote by Homer Simpson:

"Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!"

Halloween at Company X

Every year, my company makes a big and awkward "to do" about the Friday before Halloween by hosting a huge company-wide department decorating contenst. Specifically, each department decorates their designated areas in a theme, and subsequently, these themes compete against one another for a major reward (usually a pizza party).

Last year my friend “Coworker N” and I were the only people who participated in the decoration of my department, which, as “Peaches Wilson” later told me was a classic “rookie mistake.”

Apparently, it is usually the new additions to the department who get suckered into the (at times) tedious task of organizing a bunch of surly adults, and this year I have vowed to take the day off. I know you must be thinking me a fool; however, the truth of the matter is, that while it is fun to spend the whole day unabashedly not working, it is also a colossal waste of time. Clearly, I am having a very bad attitude about what should be a very fun slacking-off day, but you know what? Part of having a bad attitude about something is not caring if anyone thinks you have a bad attitude.

So take that suckers!

(Note: This puking pumpkin is only meant to illustrate my distain for my company's departmental decorating contest, and not for the fine holiday itself. )

Yo ho, ho and a bottle of Tums

So the highly-anticipated Caribbean Casual day has finally arrived…and I am still not exactly sure what the higher-ups were asking for when they scheduled this event. Last time I was in the Caribbean, people were wearing shorts….and we’re not allowed to wear those here, so what do they want from us? I spent the majority of the evening trying to think of what things in my wardrobe would even qualify for this theme day. Eventually I realized that if I was going to go casual, I would have to go out and buy something new….but what? Here are the images that flashed across my mind during the brainstorming process:


Option 1:
Colorful, yes, but perhaps a little much for the office. And really, how flattering can a dress be when it is made entirely of plaid.












Option 2: But then, I don't really look good in vests, so I don't think this will work.














Option 3: This doesn't really have anything to do with the Caribbean-but you have to admire this man's spirit.












Option 4: Arrgggggg matey! Maybe not-plus I don't think I can grow facial hair like that over night.











Well that was a wash, and when it was all said and done, I opted for a business casual ensemble from the Gap. Really, I think this “Caribbean” theme was just a clever attempt by management to see just how far their employees were willing to go to wear sneakers at their desk.

I saw past their clever ruse and the battle is mine! Little Miss Westchester: 1, Company X: 0.

Casual Thursday

Due to a recent company-wide initiative that is set to put us at the forefront of travel sales in the Caribbean, our HR department has declared tomorrow, “Caribbean Casual Day.”

Seeing as Fridays are generally the only week day when we are allowed to wear jeans, this is a particularly special treat. Sadly, in the business world, there is always a catch, and with this particular privilege comes the stipulation that if you are dressing down tomorrow, you must wear something with a Caribbean flare. No Caribbean flare, no casual Thursday.

So not to be dense here, but how does one dress with Caribbean flair when it is 50 degrees outside? I mean that right there eliminates the coconut bra-so really, what’s the point.

(Does this man constitute Caribbean flare? Because I don't think I can grow a mustache in under 24 hours.)

Apples and Assholes

This past weekend was filled with a wide range of highs and lows; and, when I say “lows,” I really mean, low-life’s; and, when I say “low-life’s,” I really just mean “Tall Pete.”

On Friday afternoon I got a call from my friend “Darling Peterson” who inviting me to an apartment party later that night. As a resident at a local hospital, Darling is filled with wonderful, if not horrifying tales of life as a medical professional. Her knowledge of the human body is also endearing, especially when, like me, you possess a keen tendency towards hypochondria, and you like to check with medical professionals to make sure you are not dying from the leg injury you sustained during a kickball match gone horribly awry.

Several hours later I got a call from “Tall Pete.” The last I had heard from Pete was the night before when he had called me after my kickball game (so I was drunk) for the first time in a week. I took that opportunity to explain to him why I had not invited him to "Hope Valentine’s" birthday party the previous weekend (I had already invited "Dick Ebert"), and apologized that he had to find out about it from Lance (see entry entitled: When cars and relationships need to go into the shop.)

At that point Pete immediately dove into this song and dance about how he never gave it a second thought, and he couldn’t even believe I would even bring it up because it was “just not a big deal at all.” Then, after breaking from our conversation several times to (what sounded like) say ‘hi’ to random people passing him on the street, he asked if I wanted to do something over the weekend-“You know, unless you just want to be friends.” Already frustrated with the way he seemed to be playing games, I told him to call me when I was sober-maybe then I would forget what a jerk he was being on the phone. So here is an excerpt from Friday’s chat:

Pete: Hey what are you up to tonight?
Me: Well I think I am heading over to an apartment party with Darling, Darling’s boyfriend Wakefield, and Lance Friendly. How bout you?
Pete: I made plans to go to an apartment party with Lance Friendly and Kent Brockman.
(Pause)
Me: Did you say you are going to a party with Lance? Because, if so, it sounds like we are going to the same party…….
(Pause)
Pete: Okay……

What a moron.

Anyway, I told Pete I would see him at the party, and proceeded to get ready to go out. At around 9PM, Darling and Wakefield picked me up and we high-tailed it on over to the soirée. It wasn’t until after I got in the car that they revealed that they did not know the person whose party this was, and also that the party was to be centered around watching an ultimate prize fight on TV (why I didn’t see the writing on the wall at that point is truly beyond me).

As soon as we walked into the party I pretty much sensed things with Pete were over. When we walked into the room everyone turned around to smile at the new arrivals…except Pete, whose eyes stayed steadily trained on the TV screen. Then, for the first two hours following our arrival he ignored me and the group I was with. Later, when I was in a pow wow with some of the girls, he occasionally would pass by and make some joke to us about a “lady’s club,” true comedic genius. It wasn’t until three hours had passed and four beers had been downed that he managed to work up the nerve to come talk to me, but at that point it was way too late. For God's sake, he is a 31-year-old man, and was acting like a middle school punk.

I’m not ready to have babies at this point in my life, and I certainly don’t want to date one.

On Saturday I attended my brother’s all-day volleyball tournament. It was really fun, and when I was not watching the games, there were plenty of attractive volleyball coaches to admire. That night I went to see In Her Shoes with Hope Valentine-it’s a chick flick with an poorly-cast ensemble of characters lacking chemistry and charisma. Then on Sunday, "Jazzy A" came up from Chicago and I went apple picking at her father’s, second wife’s family farm. Delightful!

So now it’s Tuesday and I wish I was somewhere else….as usual.

Quote of the Year....

"The two most fortunate things that could happen to a person are, first, to be Spanish, and second, to be named Salvador Dalí. These two things have happened to me." -- Salvador Dalí: Diary of a Genius, p.157-8

Taken from Salvador's autobiography, this modest quote sets a precedence for several of the underlying themes within this blog. These being:

1. A person's opinions are clearly subjective.
2. Mustaches are rarely a good idea.
3. There are people crazier than Tom Cruise....although not many.

(Photo courtesy of http://www.salvadordalimuseum.org/)

When an innocent bet turns into a day of humilitation.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=13245

Rearview, A Motorist's Story

This morning on my way to work I spent the bulk of my commute behind a car with what appeared to be a small store’s worth of bumper stickers on its backside. Inundated with so much information, I almost ran into him twice! The saddest part of it was, I couldn’t even READ half of the stickers because their messages were either too small or they had been weathered away-victims of Wisconsin’s (at times) cruel weather.

There were, however, a few bumper stickers there that I could see- and I dutifully recreated them for you here:

Lovely....AND poetic.

When cars and relationships need to go into the shop

Last night after a few days *not* hearing from “Tall Pete,” I began to get the inkling that something might be amiss. After all, I had to practically beat him off with a stick that first week; moreover, I did like the guy and wanted to at least go on a second date-(if nothing else, so that I could have something to report on in this very blog).

So rather than play by the “I’m not going to call him” rule I had set up in my mind, I decided to just dial the phone. After moments of rising tension as the phone dialed, God smiled upon me, and I got his machine. So I left a message and started dealing with the night’s next catastrophe…my car’s untimely death due to some engine complications.

After several hours of not hearing from Pete, I began to wonder…..could the reason for this calling void have something to do with me not inviting him to "Hope Valentine’s" 25th birthday party this past weekend? But how would he have known about the party unless......
(duh,duh,dun!!!!)"Lance Friendly."

Could "Lance Friendly" have elevated his blundering to a new high by telling Pete about the party, knowing full well that I had already invited "Dick Ebert" and couldn’t very well have both of them there!?

The answer to that, of course, is yes. Apparently, when Pete asked Lance what he was up to on Saturday he replied, “Well I am going to Little Miss Westchester’s party…aren’t you?”

IDIOT.

I told Lance to fix all this and to call me.

Speaking of fixing, my car is still in the shop and there has been no word yet on the future of my engine, or my budding relationship with Tall Pete for that matter.

Is it just me...

...or does this scream alien invasion!

http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/5061869/detail.html?treets=ah&tml=ah_break&ts=T&tmi=ah_break_1_03011010052005

To "friend" or not to "friend"

This past Wednesday I went on a date with “Tall Pete,” despite this nagging feeling that he was not “Little Miss Westchester material.” Of course I bitched about it in the days leading up to the date, and then there was the hemming and hawing over whether I should cancel-but, being the good girl that I am, I still ended up meeting him for dinner.

Against all odds, I had a good time and even agreed to go out with him again.

That’s where the trouble started.

The next day he called to see if I wanted to meet him out after kickball…..that being the DAY after our first date, I declined-although I did try to politely answer each of the several text messages he sent me throughout the night reminding me that it wasn’t too late for him to meet me out. Then, on Friday, he called me again asking if I wanted to do something that night. I had plans.

OK people, I am not trying to be a bitch here, but for God’s sake-WE JUST WENT OUT! I need a breather! I mean, I was totally excited about hanging out with him after our first date-but now, with all of his calls, I am a little freaked out and in “Overwhelmed City” (which I believe may be a real place located on the outskirts of Nebraska).

Meanwhile, I finally broke things off with “Dick Ebert,” or as “Peaches Wilson” would say, I “friended” him. In other words, I have decided that the romantic chemistry is not there, so instead we are going to try to be friends (in the past this, my preferred method of break up, has often times drawn responses ranging from “but I thought there was really something special between us,” to my personal favorite, “we should just keep dating and maybe you will grow to like me more.”).

There are two categories of men I have “friended” in the past: Dick falls into the first category, which is the kind of awesome guy that I DO actually want to be friends with but I just never had a romantic attraction to. Then there is that elite group who round out the other portion of the “friended.” This faction is an elite squad of toolboxes who I clearly could never have been friends with and who I was only humoring in an effort to avoid a very public scene.

Isn’t dating fun!?

Spies are all around me, SPIES I tell you!

Many of you may be wondering why, prey tell, there have not been any updates to my blog recently. Well the answer to that is this: Peaches Wilson has somehow learned that one of the least trustworthy of our coworkers has somehow learned of my work-day blogging. Clearly, there is an evil network of spies in our midst, but anyway, if it happens to get out that I blog, this can lead to my untimely firing, or worse, a cubicle in a closet.

So in order to keep updating this site without professional repercussions I am trying to devise a clever scheme in which I can update my blog undetected from the ever-prying eyes all around me.

Please be patient during this transitionary time. And thank you for your patience!!!

Speaking of evil spies, Lance Friendly sent me this link about how to be a successful evil overlord, and I think there is a lot to be learned here. Enjoy:

http://www.proft.org/tips/evil.html