Apples and Assholes

This past weekend was filled with a wide range of highs and lows; and, when I say “lows,” I really mean, low-life’s; and, when I say “low-life’s,” I really just mean “Tall Pete.”

On Friday afternoon I got a call from my friend “Darling Peterson” who inviting me to an apartment party later that night. As a resident at a local hospital, Darling is filled with wonderful, if not horrifying tales of life as a medical professional. Her knowledge of the human body is also endearing, especially when, like me, you possess a keen tendency towards hypochondria, and you like to check with medical professionals to make sure you are not dying from the leg injury you sustained during a kickball match gone horribly awry.

Several hours later I got a call from “Tall Pete.” The last I had heard from Pete was the night before when he had called me after my kickball game (so I was drunk) for the first time in a week. I took that opportunity to explain to him why I had not invited him to "Hope Valentine’s" birthday party the previous weekend (I had already invited "Dick Ebert"), and apologized that he had to find out about it from Lance (see entry entitled: When cars and relationships need to go into the shop.)

At that point Pete immediately dove into this song and dance about how he never gave it a second thought, and he couldn’t even believe I would even bring it up because it was “just not a big deal at all.” Then, after breaking from our conversation several times to (what sounded like) say ‘hi’ to random people passing him on the street, he asked if I wanted to do something over the weekend-“You know, unless you just want to be friends.” Already frustrated with the way he seemed to be playing games, I told him to call me when I was sober-maybe then I would forget what a jerk he was being on the phone. So here is an excerpt from Friday’s chat:

Pete: Hey what are you up to tonight?
Me: Well I think I am heading over to an apartment party with Darling, Darling’s boyfriend Wakefield, and Lance Friendly. How bout you?
Pete: I made plans to go to an apartment party with Lance Friendly and Kent Brockman.
(Pause)
Me: Did you say you are going to a party with Lance? Because, if so, it sounds like we are going to the same party…….
(Pause)
Pete: Okay……

What a moron.

Anyway, I told Pete I would see him at the party, and proceeded to get ready to go out. At around 9PM, Darling and Wakefield picked me up and we high-tailed it on over to the soirée. It wasn’t until after I got in the car that they revealed that they did not know the person whose party this was, and also that the party was to be centered around watching an ultimate prize fight on TV (why I didn’t see the writing on the wall at that point is truly beyond me).

As soon as we walked into the party I pretty much sensed things with Pete were over. When we walked into the room everyone turned around to smile at the new arrivals…except Pete, whose eyes stayed steadily trained on the TV screen. Then, for the first two hours following our arrival he ignored me and the group I was with. Later, when I was in a pow wow with some of the girls, he occasionally would pass by and make some joke to us about a “lady’s club,” true comedic genius. It wasn’t until three hours had passed and four beers had been downed that he managed to work up the nerve to come talk to me, but at that point it was way too late. For God's sake, he is a 31-year-old man, and was acting like a middle school punk.

I’m not ready to have babies at this point in my life, and I certainly don’t want to date one.

On Saturday I attended my brother’s all-day volleyball tournament. It was really fun, and when I was not watching the games, there were plenty of attractive volleyball coaches to admire. That night I went to see In Her Shoes with Hope Valentine-it’s a chick flick with an poorly-cast ensemble of characters lacking chemistry and charisma. Then on Sunday, "Jazzy A" came up from Chicago and I went apple picking at her father’s, second wife’s family farm. Delightful!

So now it’s Tuesday and I wish I was somewhere else….as usual.