I told a GIANT lie....

You fools, there was no lie (unless you count excuses I have used to get out of manual labor, or the pledge I made to myself to stop eating cheese)! That little ruse was just one of the many clever tricks I use to get you to keep reading my blog-and you fell for it! WAH ha ha ha ha!

Anyhow, I wanted to tell you about a movie I have fallen in love with by the name of Eagle vs. Shark. The perfect blend of Napoleon Dynamite’s cinematic quirkiness and Welcome to the Dollhouse’s angst (two movies I also enjoyed)-Eagle vs. Shark charts two social outcasts' efforts to fall in love and do it.

With a cast and soundtrack made up of New Zealand's finest, the movie stars Flight of the Conchord’s Jermaine Clement in the not-so-titular role of Jarrod, and Loren Horsley as the film’s tongue-tied heroine Lily. I like this movie because it is not your typical romantic comedy. The characters are often unattractive and usually wearing something out of a Richard Simmons' video.

In short, Eagle vs. Shark is not The Notebook; but, that's fine by me. Who wants to see good looking people fall in love anyway? Not me! I would rather sit through another one of my grandma's very-detailed accounts of what she put on the sandwhich she made herself for dinner last night.

This post is like my dead fish Elvis-filled with regrets of what could have been.

If you are like me, you try to incorporate elaborate analogies into everyday conversations...and you have a love/hate relationship with cheese.

That's why I was THRILLED when good friend Spanish Houlihan sent me THIS- a list of the top 56 "worst" student analogies compliled by area teachers, and printed by the Washington Post.

Here are some of the highlights:

1. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
2. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
3. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
4. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
6. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
7. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
8. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
9. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
10. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Enjoy.

Shameless Plug: My Cousin-Teacher of the Year

I would be lying if I said this video was about my cousin; however, it is a funny little short about a less-than-charismatic teacher being interviewed for a spot on a public access show.

CLICK HERE to enjoy the show!

Leaving on a jet plane...

I am leaving for a week-long business trip this Saturday, and I won't be back for a whole week.

Not that I am posting all that much these days that you would notice; but, I thought I would let you know anyway, as I am sure a good post will await you upon my return.

In the meantime, let me introduce you to my newest purse obsession.

Super Secret Readers, meet purse. Purse, say hello to my Super Secret Readers....

L.A.M.B. be thy name.

Confessions of a Superhero

As you may recall, Little Miss Westchester likes to imagine herself as something of a superhero. Delusions of grandeur, you might be thinking? I don't think so.

But I can't help but identify with these fallen heroes, in this very cool, very interesting documentary, Confessions of a Superhero. I watched the trailer for this bad boy, and I have to say I am intrigued. Up, up, and away!


"CONFESSIONS OF A SUPERHERO is a feature length documentary that chronicles the lives of three mortal men and one woman who make their living working as superhero characters on Hollywood Boulevard. This deeply personal look into their daily routines reveals their hardships and triumphs as they pursue and achieve their own kind of fame. The Hulk sold his Super Nintendo for a bus ticket to LA; Wonder Woman was a mid-western homecoming queen; Batman struggles with his anger, while Superman’s psyche is consumed by the Man of Steel. Although the Walk of Fame is right beneath their feet, their own paths to stardom prove to be long, hard climbs."

Have you ever wondered...

...what you would look like as an M&M?

Well I have!

Which is why I was so thrilled when I discovered THIS website the other day that allows you to customize your very own M&M character.

Here I am with one of my coworkers.

Flight of the Conchordes

If you are like me, you are afraid of ninjas and don’t like to spend too much time in the dark.

Also, you probably don’t have cable, an inconvenient point that forces you to go to your parent’s house anytime you want to see Project Runway or watch movies with gratuitous nudity, very weak plotlines, and poorly-acted sex scenes.

Anyway, if any of those things sound familiar, then you would probably LOVE HBO’s new original series Flight of the Conchords. So far, there hasn’t been any nudity….but on the up side, it is a hilarious show about two guys from New Zealand trying to make it as musicians in New York City. The actors are very funny, and everything from the songs in the show to the ridiculous dialog is truly great comedy. I highly recommend it!

If you are interested, check out The Conchords performing their song “Business Time” HERE.

The Last King of Scotland...its not Hugh Grant, Part 2

America is founded on several important principals.

1. Freedom of speech
2. Right to bear arms
3. Freedom from tyranny-no matter your ethnicity, gender or religion
4. Free stuff in the mail if your blog gets more than 5 readers a day.

And it is that last principle, my fair readers, that I will be addressing, with great aplomb, today.

It all began when my mother dragged me to see a movie about genocide in Africa, when I was under the distinct impression that she was taking me to see a romantic comedy with Hugh Grant. What resulted was THIS POSTING, and a wicked hangover the following day.

Fast forward several weeks later: I am sitting in my cubi-cell picking my nose…I MEAN, working diligently, when I received an e-mail asking me to officially review the movie on Super Secret Rantings in exchange for a free DVD copy of The Last King of Scotland! No matter that I like to watch movies like Grease and Romy and Michelle’s Highschool Reunion in my down time-and will probably not be putting the film into my regular rotation. It is free, and damnit there are no journalistic ethics and/or principles I am not willing to break for free stuff.

As you might imagine, I will still write a helpful review (as I would never want to unwittingly send my 7 loyal readers into a movie as TERRIBLE as, say, Murder by Numbers). So please stay tuned for my official review of The Last King of Scotland...or just buy a few bottles of wine and rent it yourself-cause it really was a powerful movie...but you will def. want to drink after you watch it.

What a glorious way to start a work week!

Happy Hump Day Bitches!

If you don't watch NBC's The Office on Thursday nights, well, frankly I don't know what to do with you. But if you DO watch the show, than you will truly, TRULY appreciate today's clip. Enjoy.

CLICK HERE to hear Andy serenade Jim on their way to a sales call.

Tale of two cities.

This was a great weekend.

On Friday night, I accompanied Rachel California and Laney LaRue for the grand opening party of Milwaukee’s Intercontinental Hotel. In addition to a spirited performance by Milwaukee’s pop darlings The Gufs, there were free drinks, free food and respectful conversation all around. After the girls and I sampled all there was to sample and the band had finished their set, we headed up to the after party, where I somehow started talking to some model named Stacey and her kooky boyfriend Todd.

Attempting to court The Gufs.

To onlookers at the party, it might have appeared as though Stacey, Todd and I had known each other all of our lives-perhaps spending our childhood summers together in Lake Geneva. Learning to ride our bikes side by side. And don’t get me wrong, Stacey and Todd were nice and all; but looking back, my enthusiasm for our conversation was more likely rooted in the enthusiastic mix of beer, wine, and champagne I was drinking all night, rather than our chat about Todd's photography. This, of course, is just a guess.

Eventually the party came to an end; and, after exchanging woeful goodbyes with my new best friends Todd and Stacey, Laney, Rachel and I headed home.

Back in my apartment, my champagne euphoria quickly spiraled into something a little less…euphoric, resulting in several unintelligible drunk texts, a well-intentioned drunk dial to Coworker X, and a few purposeful trips to the bathroom once my otherwise sturdy bedroom began spinning violently around my head.

As you can imagine, I would have liked to have spent the better part of Saturday with my head under a pillow in a self-sustained cocoon of darkness made up entirely of a plate of peanut butter toast, some Advil, and a complex straw unit set up to allow me to drink water without ever having to move my head or body in any way. But, the show must go on, and I had a $3.00 Megabus to Chicago to catch! Yes, I spent my Saturday and Sunday visiting my old college pals and I Felta Thigh sorority sisters: Peppermint Patty, Jazzy A, Nurse Blondie, Foxy Sunshine, Miller Time, and the incomparable F’n Early!

After Jazzy picked me up at Union Station, she proceeded to take me on a lovely tour of downtown Chicago’s Millennium Park. There I marveled at my reflection in the Cloud Gate statue (which basically looks like a big silver bean), and spent the better part of a half hour imagining my face within The Crown Fountain impressive video display. Next it was onto Weed Street’s Sangria Restaurant for some delicious Tapas and, you guessed it, Sangria. Delicioso.

Here I am on top of the Bean!

In what seemed like no time at all, it was 3:00PM Sunday afternoon, and I had to hop back on the bus back to Milwaukee. I was sad to see my buddies go-but the adventures of Little Miss Westchester must go on; with your girl steadily growing a little older, a little wiser, and hopefully next time, with a little less of a champagne hangover.

Kicking zombie ass and taking names!

If you are cool like me, you probably spend several hours a day thinking about how much fun it would be to be a superhero and to successfully defend your city against zombies.

I will be the first to admit that once you start down that path of thinking, it is a very slippery slope. One minute, you're reading Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead (Paperback Edition); and the next thing you know, you are spending hour-long lunches debating the very real likelihood of a zombie outbreak with your coworkers that almost always end with you storming away from the table shouting, "It could happen!" Soon you're spending entire Saturday afternoons at the sewing store reviewing fabric samples that might someday lead to a hero costume unlike anything Hollywood has seen before!!!!!!!! (Sigh.)

The sewing store aside, I was very excited when I found this interactive website that lets you design your own superhero and superhero costume!

How bad ass am I (and yes my superhero weapon is an explosive ball of flames)!?!

CLICK HERE to make a superhero of your own!

As good as it gets...

When I am not promoting good friend, Kash Money's fabulous hand-made cards (that you can purchase and/or check out HERE), I am longingly browsing the genius cards at uncookedland.com. They are pretty funny, and wrong in ALL the right ways.

Cards I am seriously thinking of purchasing include (but are not limited to):

(The best part about having you as a friend is that I can borrow your lip balm and not worry about getting herpes.)

AND

(If there was an award for the best friend in the world, I'd make sure you'd get it. Even if it meant having unprotected sex with the judges.)

Let's turn this mother out!

If you have ever read this blog, you will know I spend a good portion of my time delving into serious topics like the very real potential of a zombie outbreak in Milwaukee, and the ever-growing list of my many neurosis....but I will not be discussing THOSE things today.

NO, today I want to change up the mood on Super Secret Rantings to something a little more fun, and hopefully, a little more sexy as well; and frankly, I can't think of a better way to do that than by exploring the endless mystique of circa 1980-Finnish pop music!


CLICK HERE to watch potentially, the worst music video ever made. Mark my word, you will be tempted to stop the video, almost immediately I imagine. But trust me, it is worth it to watch the whole thing, if only for the dancing! Even when I close my eyes, I can still see them dancing.

Have a great weekend people, see you on the flip side!

I Heart Ficticious Teenaged Wizards!

It is quiet now, and a seemingly-impenetrable darkness has fallen over the Westchester camp…a void, if you will. Sadly, this is an absence that cannot be filled by my usual delights (namely the makeup aisle at Walgreen's or anything with rhinestones). Nay, this new darkness has only one known cure namely: the July 31st release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter literary series.

Had you asked me just three months ago what all of the to do was concerning a boy named Harry and his precocious little friends-I would have tossed my head back, laughed in your face and chortled, "Little care I!"

I was innocent then. Unawares.

However, after a raucous debate with a few hearty Potter fans, I soon buckled to the endless appeal of that cruel mistress that is, peer pressure.....and J.K. Rowling.

Giving little thought to the 5 other books that lay ahead, I picked up Harry Potter, book one, and began my duel with pop culture. A duel that I was destined to lose.

Three months, and some-4,000 uninterrupted pages later, I have finished the existing Harry Potter books-and have now joined the ranks of J.K. Rowling's world-wide army of geeks. Oh J.K., the yarns you have woven are dancing circles around my easily-influenced, consumer-driven brain. I am putty in your hands, as my head is churning with frantic thoughts-thoughts that cannot be quelled until July 31st, 2007.

It is a cruel game you are playing J.K.-a game that you will surely win.

The Last King of Scotland...its not Hugh Grant

Last weekend, I made plans with my mother to see what I THOUGHT was going to be a carefree night at the movies with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (see Music and Lyrics); however, no sooner had my mom picked me up, that I could tell MY plans were about to change.

Mom: Would it be ok if we went to see The Last King of Scotland instead?

Westchester: (Pause) What is The Last King of Scotland?

Mom: It that movie with Forest Whitaker about a tyrannical dictator in Uganda...and its supposed to be really good. PLEASE!

Now, HAD I been paying for my own movie ticket, I may have had a fighting chance in this debate; however, as my Mom was fitting the bill my negotiating chip was limited to some poorly-executed whining AND my puppy dog face (which never works, by the way) so The Last King of Scotland it was.

Don't get me wrong, the movie was not bad. On the contrary, The Last King of Scotland was very powerful with moving performances across the board; however, it being a lazy Saturday afternoon-with me in the mood for romantic fluff and Hugh Grant-all "Scotland" did was drive me to the drink.

Instead of clever dialog and flirtatious glances, there were severed arms and scenes of torture; and, where I had hoped for light-hearted comedy building towards a romantic liaison between good-looking leads, I got a torrid affair that culminated with the torture/slaying of an unfaithful wife.

So, while I would recommend seeing The Last King of Scotland- I would also recommend on a trip to the bar afterwards; because, like Schindler's List and All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 before it-The Last King of Scotland was a lot to handle.

For my ladies...

Just stumbled upon THIS POSTING from the Charming but Single blog.

While I have never read Charming's blog before-and only found this posting because I would rather surf the net than work....I think it perfectly sums up my life right now.

Check it out, maybe you will find yourself in there somewhere as well.

You were always on my mind.

After a long, and often-times bitter battle of wills, I have finally lost out in the war against the Cadbury Cream Egg in my purse.

I purchased the delicious candy a few days ago when I noticed Walgreen’s was selling the treat (usually reserved for the Easter months) 2 for 1; usually I would just get one for myself; but thinking someone in my play would want to eat the other, I went for the deal. Alas-no one took the bait-and for the past few days that egg has floated from pocket to purse, its shiny exterior daring me to indulge- a welcomed promise of the chocolaty-goodness that waited me inside.

I would be lying if I said the chocolate has been speaking to me. That would be ridiculous-as we all know chocolate can’t talk. However, the sugary cream-filling inside the chocolate has just been FULL of conversational topics. From the state of the union to how delicious it would taste with a giant glass of cold milk-that Cadbury Cream has not shut up.

All week long I have been good-ignoring the chocolate and cream, instead choosing to concentrate on more pressing issues like the war in Iraq or how I want to pimp out my MySpace profile; however, while sitting at my desk this morning a fever began to creep back into my head-the fever that can only be remedied by the type of candy made to look like a baby chicken.

Actually doing my work was all that was keeping me from ravaging my purse for the chocolate inside; and I was succeeding too, that was until Coworker E walked by my desk wearing a giant neck brace. Immediately, my concentration was ruined, and I was sent into a crazed, all-consuming wave of chocolate madness that quickly overtook my ability to reason and left me powerless to resist.

Before I had a chance to stop it, my hand jutted off in the direction of my open purse, grabbed the offending chocolate candy (where it lay haughtily at the bottom of my bag), feverishly ripped open the wrapping, and aggressively shoved the thing into my mouth.

Sigh. I have lost the battle-but the war will be mine….eh who am I kidding, I have the self-control of a five-year-old and chocolate is yummy.

Top 10.....

In light of my inability to come up with ANYTHING else to blog about, I thought today would be as good a time as any to bring together two of my very favorite past times: making top ten lists and talking about the things that scare me.

Today’s topic of terror: singers/artists often played by easy-listening/classic rock affiliates that also happen to scare me. I apologize ahead of time if any of the artists mentioned below are among your personal faves-but as you will soon see, my arguments are sound….so, without any further ado, I present:

Little Miss Westchester’s Top 10 List of Creepy Easy Listening/Classic Rock Artists.

1. James Taylor.
There is a haunting quality to his voice that makes my stomach churn. Additionally, he is fabled to be the inspiration behind Carly Simon’s hit song, “You’re So Vain.” This song makes me nervous because it is an enduring cultural mystery-and mysteries can be scary.

2. Phil Collins.
One night, when I was a little girl of around 9 or 10, my babysitter let me watch MTV with him because I was scared and could not fall asleep. No sooner had my over-active imagination began to subside, when a Genesis music video came on that featured a bunch of puppet heads….singing. To me, that video screamed “DANGER!” “DANGER!” And I have never felt truly safe since.

3. The Artist Formally Known as Prince.
On one hand, I really like “Pussy Control,” but on the other hand, Prince wore pants with little holes cut out over his ass cheeks. Now I can’t speak for everyone here, but for me, ass-less pants are never ok. Especially in yellow.

4. Olivia Newton-John.
I am sorry, but “I Honestly Love You” sucks ass! Plus, when I saw Olivia on TV the other night her face looked like it was melting under the tv lights. One too many plastic surgeries Franken-sandy. Boo.

***Begin Obvious Choice Here***
5. Michael Jackson.
Child molestation-allegations aside, that music video Michael made with Lisa Marie Presley was just nasty and wrong. That’s right, NASTY-and it made me uncomfortable in my mommy parts. Plus he has a brother named Tito.
***End Obvious Choice Here***

6. Bee Gees.
Their voices are high, which makes me jumpy. Additionally, their songs call to mind one of my other greatest fears: getting trapped in an elevator.

7. Patrick Swayze.
If you thought Patrick’s list of screen credits were limited solely to acting and seducing Jennifer Grey with his shirt off-you were sorely mistaken. No, Patrick took a turn as pop singer with her 80’s power ballad, “She’s Like the Wind.” As an impressionable young person, I thought he was talking about ghosts; and ghosts scare me. Later, Patrick went on to play a ghost, which only helped to cement my inherent fear and discomfort.

8. R. Kelly.
I don’t think anyone was fooled by Kelly’s thinly-veiled lyrical metaphor that spoke of sticking his “key” into some poor (and likely underage) girl’s “ignition.” *Shudder*

9. Jordan Knight.
Admittedly, Jordan was my favorite member of New Kids on the Block (or NKOTB for those of you who believe musicians can actually pick up street creed simply by shortening their name), but ALL of the songs he has released lately have been adult contemporary crap; and nothing is scarier, or more unsettling than an over the hill boy-bander trying to resuscitate a DOA career. The “D” in DOA stand for “dead,” by the way-but don’t get scared off, I am not done with my list yet!

And last but NOT least:

10. Kiss.
I am sure this comes of little surprise, considering vampires are one of my top three fears, and Gene Simmons looks like a vampire. Although I did see KISS live a few summers ago-the show was fun, and I made a sweet “KISS THIS” t-shirt for the concert. Ah the foibles of youth.

So that’s it, that’s my list. Here are some of the scary singers that would have made this list, had it been a Top 20 are: David Caruso(not a singer-but scary), Meatloaf (good as a food, bad as a rock star), Don Johnson, Rod Stewart, Clay Aiken, Five for Fighting, Mariah Carey, Dionne Warwick, that guy who sang, “I Wear my Sunglasses at Night,” and Gloria Estefan (but only because of her song “The Rhythm is Going to Get You”-I don’t like to think about things chasing me).

Happy Happy Happy

Few things make me happier than the Muppets and Weezer....and compliments....and Rick Moranis in Space Balls...and bracelets...and...well you get the idea. But seriously, I just purchased the best necklace ever, and I can't wait to wear it out on the streets of Milwaukee when I receive it in 6 to 8 business days.

Jealous much?

Blades of Glory

THIS movie is going to KICK ASS. Who's coming to see it with me!

CLICK HERE to watch the trailer for Blades of Glory...

(Thanks to Fucking Early for the tip!)