Mothers and Daughters

Mom: So what are you doing this weekend?

Westchester: Well on Saturday Mr. Mister's friends are having a Gangsta party, so on Friday night we are going to a Good Will to try and find him something to wear for that.

Mom: Well I have that prisoner costume in the basement if you want to use it....

Westchester: No Mom, not gangst-ER. Gangst-A.

Mom:...........?

Perhaps I overreacted ...

A few weeks ago, I sent one of my brothers to Qudoba to get me a taco salad. I was very patient with him over the phone, implicitly listing off the things that I wanted on my salad. Shredded cheese and Queso sauce were among that list-a point that proved very confusing for my brother.

Fast forward 10 minutes later when he returns home with the salad...well, the salad minus the controversial queso sauce. Here is the (abridged) version of the conversation that ensued:

Westchester: What the hell, there is no queso sauce on here!

Brother: You gotta be kidding me.

Westchester: (Voice raised) I very specifically asked you to get queso sauce on my salad!!!

Brother: I hate you.

Westchester: Yeah, well the feeling is mutual.

Summer Rental

In less than 60 days, I will be escaping my daily chains of employment and joining the entire Westchester Family in a cross country journey to Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

Believe it or not, a 24 hour drive to the East Coast in a conversion van is FAR less glamorous than one might think. Especially when more than half of the people in the car are boys.

Smelly boys.

Smelly boys that have nothing to lose, and are far from trying to impress any of the other inhabitants of the van.

For 24, long hours.

Good God.

In Westchester Family tradition, our little band of beach enthusiasts (plus one dog) will crowd into the family van at around 4 in the morning in a strategic bid to beat the Chicago traffic. For the next 6 hours, my dad will single-handedly pilot the van towards the sunrise-refusing to stop for any reason until Indiana. Knowing glances from toll booth operators serve as his only company, as the rest of the Westchester brood is dead to the world in the back seats-legs jutting at every which angle in a failing bid for comfort.

My strategy has always been to try and sleep for as long as humanly possible, because as you might imagine, absolutely nothing good can come from waking up. Either I am quickly reintroduced to the harsh realities of the McDonald's breakfast menu, or I get forced into taking a turn behind the wheel. Luckily, the van comes fully-equipped with a small TV and VCR; and something tells me this car trip will serve as the perfect opportunity to expose my family to the horrors and mass genocides of Uganda-via The Last King of Scotland….perhaps I will wait to pop that bad boy in until just before it is my turn to drive.

On the plus side, once my family reaches our coveted vacation destination, all is right with the world, and you better believe the most work I will be doing for the next two weeks will involve walking to and from the beach, and MAYBE shucking some farm fresh summer corn for dinner. Other than that, I am as close to “good for nothing” as a person can get.

Thank God for vacation!


(The Last King of Scotland's James McAvoy/#5 on my top ten list of celebrity crushes)

New Year, New Secret Rantings!

Happy New Year Everybody! Sorry for the lack of posts, my only excuse is that I am very lazy....AND good looking, and the combination of both has kept me from my Super Secret World.

Some updates:

1. Coworker B has restarted her Christmas Countdown in 2007-but had been very lazy about keeping it up to date. Currently the count reads "365 Days Until Christmas," and serves as a constant reminder to that old debate that asks: “What is more depressing, a Christmas Countdown loooooong before Christmas, OR a Christmas Countdown looooooon before Christmas that is ALSO not up to date?” The world may never know.

2. Someone FINALLY took the hint, and bought me one the “Gift Suggestions” I had made in a previous posting. Yes, Little Miss Westchester is now the proud owner of her very own Dwight Schrute bobblehead.

3. The Westchester family went bowling a few days after Chrismas, and were lucky enough to be assigned to the lane next to a “Ninja” and “J.B.” It is unknown whether or not those were the bowler’s real names; however, I would like to err on the side of YES!

4. I spent this New Year’s Eve with Moody St. Clair, Security Steve, Junior Carter and some other people (who don’t have special names on this blog) at Lake Front Brewery. Good times were had by all, and I made the very important resolution to try to be nicer to people-unless it is someone I hate, in which case, all bets are off.

2007 HERE WE COME!

(UNFORTUNATELY, no squirrels were harmed in the making of this poster.)

27 days until Christmas.

I could very well use this posting to update you on my weekend. I could talk about how my brothers were in town and how my mom set her festive Thanksgiving sweater on fire while trying to pass me the gravy. I could tell you about the blue-hot flames that quickly shot up my mom’s arm and how my dad yelled “Roll, roll!” at my brother beat out the fire. Then I could tell how after all of that, the clearly-flammable sweater had somehow escaped the blaze unscathed, barring the very faint waft of burning you could only smell if you push your nose deep into the knitted folds of that smiling turkey face.

Sure I could tell you about all of that. Or I could wax poetic about how I gave my number to a guy and how he has YET to call me…..or how an old crush tried to hit on me, but was brutally rebuffed. Yes, I could tell you about that too, but you see, I don’t want to talk about any of that right now. No, there is a much, MUCH more pressing issue that I must address right now-and I can no longer hold it in.

Specifically, my new dermatologist is hot. Sweet lord and is he funny. Not only did he seem VERY knowledgeable about skin care during my appointment today-but oh the banter we exchanged:

Him: You know, you don’t have to come in every year if you don’t want to. I can just refill your annual prescription over the phone.

Me: But if I don't come to see you, how will I get these adorable Cetaphil samples!

US: HA HA HA HA HA.

Sigh. It’s about time these zits of mine started coming in handy. God bless my cute new dermatologist.

Past-due Weekend Update

Well heeeeelllllooooooo peeps-o-mine, thank you SO MUCH for reading my blog (note: as always, I will leave a check for you at the agreed upon location).

As I mentioned last week, I spent my weekend visiting good friends Jazzy A, Peppermint Patty, and F'n Early in the Windy City. That's right, Chicago!

Friday, was very low-key with dinner and Borat***.

Then on Saturday me, Jazzy, Jazzy's Mom, Even Jazzier L, and Peppermint Patty headed over to the Ringling Brothers Circus to catch some DEATH-defying stunts and (hopefully) get cotton candy.

Upon entering the "big top"(Chicago's United Center), all I could think about was how cool it would be to work as a traveling carnie...or circus gypsy. Next thing you know, I decided I wanted to join the circus as well!

I thought about all the glamorous costumes I would get to wear as a circus gypsy and the illicit affairs I would have with the buff tumblers and male trapeze artists. Ah what a life that would be. The ONE wrinkle in my circus fantasy was that I could not, for the life of me, realistically figure out was what the hell I would DO for the circus. I am afraid of clowns, so that's out. Then there is my fear of danger-so any high wire/trapeze/pie throwing acts would be out as well. I guess I could work as a face painter...or mime....but I am not sure either of those jobs necessitates a glamorous costume-let alone a feather-laden head piece.


So my circus career was over before it began; which is just as well, because as it turns out, the circus is lame-and from the looks of things, there are hardly ANY cute circus gypsies.

Today I am finishing up my work so I can take the Friday off. My plan for tomorrow's Thanksgiving celebration is to eat until my belly is full, to play about 5-minutes of football with my brothers before I get cold and retire into the house for more TV, and to take long, unchecked naps whenever it occurs to me. Thank God for food-centric national holidays!

***"Jak sie masz!" The much-hyped Borat was indeed a funny flick; however, there is no reason to drop $10 to see it on the big screen. My recommendation to you would be to wait for it to come out on video.

Top 10 reasons why I love my Dad

1. He thinks every female vocalist I am listening to is Sarah McLaughlin.

2. He is the smartest guy I know and is knowledgeable about pretty much every subject short of make-up and female vocalists.

3. He is good at math and does my taxes for me.

4. During the years that my brothers and I were growing up, whenever my dad would come home from work and see my brothers playing basketball with their friends in the driveway, he would roll down the windows to his Buick and blast the rap radio station at top volume while pulling into the garage.

5. When my Mom and I are watching TV upstairs on Sunday nights he comes up to do regular “safety checks” and to bring us Diet Coke and Popcorn.

6. He sends me flowers every year on my birthday and on Valentine's Day; and on their anniversary, my Dad sends my Mom a red rose for every year they have been married.

7. He is a good man who loves his family and works hard to make sure we are taken care of.

8. He is not afraid to give me a hug.

9. He taught my brothers how to be good men and to treat women with respect; and he has always led by example.

10. I got my sense of humor from him, so obviously, he is a comedic genius.

Bean Town, USA

This weekend the Westchester family loaded into a 747 and journeyed to Boston to visit my brothers: Golden Boy, Johnny Money, and Weezer.

As soon as we arrived in Bean Town, I could feel it in the air that this visit would be one to remember…right down to the discarded condom wrapper and already-been-chewed gum I found under my hotel’s bed. But seriously, our hotel room looked like a crime scene.

On Friday night, my family ate a great dinner at one of the area’s best seafood restaurants and then it was on to a comedy club to catch Craig Ferguson (the current host of “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson”) who was very funny and earned the approval of my mother despite his frequent use of the “F-bomb” and reference to "sexual intercourse." I give Craig’s comedy routine a rousing thumbs up, and yes, I would make out with him.

Then on Saturday, we met Weezer (now a proud freshman at Boston University) at the college book store, and helped him stock up on BU apparel and Starbucks coffee. I scored a very cozy pair of sweatpants out of the deal and plan to wear them every chance I get. Next it was on to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, followed by a much-anticipated visit to the Body Worlds Exhibit at the Boston Museum of Science.

If you have not heard of Body World, it is a highly controversial, international exhibit whose purpose is to educate people about human anatomy and maybe give them a better understanding of effects their lifestyle choices have on their bodies. It is controversial, because it features the cadavers of deceased human beings-without their skin. I saw the lungs of a smoker and a coal miner. I saw the body of a woman who had been five months pregnant when she died, and the little baby frozen in her womb. I mean, it is nuts-but the thing is, the bodies have been preserved through this process called “plasticization,” and don’t look completely real. Anyway-if you are at all interested in human anatomy-this is a must see….but I would recommend eating lunch BEFORE you go, rather than after. Just a suggestion.

Next, my brothers and I visited some historical Boston sights (i.e. Paul Revere’s “One if by land, two if by sea” Church), before heading to Golden Boy’s apartment in Boston’s Italian North End. If you ever go to Boston, this area is another must-see. From the authentic Italian Bakeries and Butcher shops, to the little old men in lawn chairs on the corners-it is a true cultural goldmine. From the cobblestone streets to the gelato shops on every block, it was like being back in Italy-and THAT is something I can get behind.

Finally, my family and I ate dinner at this AMAZING Italian restaurant near my brother’s apartment called Bacco. I had the special, which was a dish filled with butternut squash ravioli, yellow raisins, diced mango, salmon, fresh shrimp, and a rich cream sauce. As you might imagine, it was like a party in my mouth-and everyone was invited.

On the plane ride home, I accidentally told my parent’s about my lingering debt from this summer’s Europe trip to which my mother (even the optimist) responded with: “You’re never gonna get out of THAT hole.”

Bless her heart.

Now I am back in the office, and wishing I was back in Boston. Sigh. I love my brothers.

All I want for Christmas is...another IPod

When it comes to technology, I am usually behind the curve.

A few Christmases’ ago my parents bought my brothers and me iPods, but it wouldn’t be until a full year later that I would sell mine, unopened to my brother for a fraction of what it was worth. Clearly, this was one of my MANY poorly-navigated business decisions. But at the time, I just wasn’t willing to learn how to use the iPod, and I figured my brother would get better use of it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Unfortunately, this is not the first or the last time I have denied myself of a good technological thing out of misplaced reverence to the old, already learned technology. Before iPods, it was the Discman, and before that, it was my Strawberry Shortcake record player…

“But I have so many tapes!” I would whine to my classmates when they asked why I wasn’t into CD’s. “Plus I just got the soundtrack for “Cocktail” and I don’t want to miss out on that. Besides tapes are just as good as CD’s…”

Right.

After the whole Cocktail debacle, it would be several months before I was forced into buying my first CD; when, while on a field trip with my church’s youth group, I couldn’t, for the life of me, find an audio cassette section in Best Buy.

Surrounded by a group of the Christian-ist kids I knew, I enthusiastically reached for the CD of Extreme’s “Pornografitti.”

“Pornografitti? REALLY Westchester,” they said judgingly.

By that point, it was too late to tell them that the only reason I had wanted the CD was for the song “More than Words,” which I had heard earlier that week on the Mickey Mouse Club.

I guess for that singular moment in time, I was the church group rebel. That’s right, REBEL.

Now in my late twenties I have still not managed to get that iPod….but I am hoping by the time I do, my brothers will have amassed all the songs I could possibly need; and I can use all that money I’ll be saving on ITunes to buy myself that pony I have always wanted. I will name her “Dusty,” and she will be merry.

Empty Nest

It’s official: the last of my siblings have moved out of the house, and my parents are empty-nesters for the first time in 26 years. As you would imagine, both are coping with this new change in their own ways; and I, in turn, am trying my best to navigate the new home-dynamic when I visit every week without going crazy.

Since my brother left got college, my mom spent a large portion of her time quietly sobbing, but she is pressing on bravely and is filling her time with a new devotion to her charities and a job as a preschool teacher. Meanwhile, my dad has been keeping busy through a position in local government and a time-consuming new hobby that entails the purchase and repair of old-fashioned typewriters off of E-bay.

As the proud owner of 10+, (now) working typewriters from the 1950’s, my dad says he holds a unique piece of the vintage typewriter market, and assures me that he will be able to sell them all for a very nice profit. However, I have yet to see his collection dissipate, so something tells me he might have misjudged the supply and demand for 1950's typewriters.

The silver lining in all of this is that I have a place of my own; because frankly, my parent’s have also started flirting a lot more, and it is REALLY awkward to be around.