Sunday, December 24, 2006

Happy Holidays!


From all of us at Super Secret Rantings, to all of you, have a very happy holidays!

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Overheard in the office 3

Rachel California*: How do you spell the word “deed,” as in, “he did a good deed.” Is it D-E-E-D or D-E-A-D???

Little Miss Westchester: It's D-E-E-D.....Rachel, D-E-A-D spells "dead," as in, “If you mess with my ride or my bitches, you will be dead."

Rachel: Oh, right.

* You may remember coworker and cubi-cell neighbor Rachel from previous "Overheards in the Office" postings.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

A little less Dwight Schrute, a little more Alec Baldwin.

Let me start this off by stating, that I do not like Alec Baldwin. In fact, I wish he and his entire clan would have made good on their pre-election promise to leave the country once Bush was voted into office. With all of the polarizing, hot button issues out there these days, I think Democrats and Republicans alike could both agree on the fact that an America without Alec Baldwin is a hell of a lot better than an America WITH Alec Baldwin. Am I right? (That’s me being rhetorical, OF COURSE I’m right!)

However, even I must admidt that Alec Baldwin WAS funny in Beetle Juice and Along Came Polly. And I suppose I did laugh during all of those guest spots on Saturday Night Live; plus, I like the sound of his voice…it’s raspy. So I guess what I am trying to say is, who am I to deprive my readers of a phone call from Alec Baldwin?

Thus, if you are into that sort of thing, please CLICK HERE to arrange for a phone call for you and your friends from the man himself, Alec Baldwin!

(Portrait created by Celebrity Pop Artist, Danny Tarantola )

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Monday, December 18, 2006

The gift that keeps on giving...

If you are like me, you probably have a lot better things to do than watch Saturday Night Live on Saturdays. However, I recently got wind of this little gem from last week's Justin Timberlake-hosted episode; and frankly, it made my freakin' day.

CLICK HERE to watch Justin Timberlake in perhaps one of the most romantic holiday songs yet....NSFW....don't watch if you are easily offended (Mom that means you).

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Congratulations to a special Graduate!

After years of hard work and dedication, Security Steve graduated from college this past weekend. From all of us as Super Secret Rantings (just me), MANY congratulations of your accomplishment Steve!

(This picture was not actually taken at Steve's graduation; but, I have it on good authority that there was some serious ass grabbing going on in the second row.)

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Don't Eat the Yellow Snow.

With only SIX days left until Christmas (if we are to believe Coworker B's countdown), holiday cheer is building to a fever pitch; and, if you have eyes, ears and the ability to use them, you have no doubt been inundated with a barrage of holiday music and cheer. If you have neither eyes nor ears, than I apologize-because that sucks ass.

Anyway, in an effort to attract humbugs and Jewish readers to Super Secret Rantings, I have put together a song list that has nothing to do with the holidays! So turn off your radios and turn up this kick-ass mix of musical excellence.

For your reference, I plan to call this mix: Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow. Enjoy!

1. “Shining Light” Ash
I thought I would start this mix off with a song that COULD be about Jesus, but is not. It’s a toe-tapper alright.

2. “The Jessica Numbers” The New Pornographers
This song is not offensive-but the band’s name suggests nudity-so, why the heck not?

3. “Here (In Your Arms)” Hellogoodbye
Still upbeat with this song-but you throw in a vocal synthesizer, and it sounds a little bit like robots singing. Do robots know its Christmastime? I DOUBT IT!

4. “Pink Triangle” Weezer
I am no expert, but I am pretty sure that nothing could be farther from the virgin birth than this song about sexual identity crisis, lesbianism, and Rivers Cuomo.

5. “Come on Closer” Jem
I think this song would mean a lot more to me if I had SOMEONE I wanted to get closer to. But since I don’t, who wants a hug?

Slowing it down a bit more with:

6. “9 Crimes” Damien Rice
Somber and haunting, this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas and EVERYthing to do with rocking yourself to sleep on a tear-soaked pillow in a darkened room.

7. “Say it Right” Nelly Furtado
Question: How does a person recover after 20 minutes of straight sobbing through a Damien Rice song played on repeat? Answer: Nelly Furtado.

HIDDEN TRACK: “Clumsy” Our Lady Peace
I don't know about you people, but I am ALL about the SUPER SECRET track listings!

8. “Honestly” Cartel
This song mentions my least-developed virtue in passing, that being: patience. No, patience is NOT my strongest quality. I should work on that. And what does all this have to do with Christmas? That’s right, NOTHING.

9. “Last Embrace” Northern Room
You haven’t heard of Northern Room?! Well I hadn’t either until they handed me their EP the other day while I was dining with friends at Milwaukee’s Apollo Greek Restaurant. The band is from Milwaukee, and they are cute. Enough said. If you like this song, you can hear more of their music on their website: http://northernroom.com/media.html.

10. “Cold Hands, Warm Heart” Brendan Benson
Well, it IS cold outside-you can’t deny that.

If you have any other non-holiday songs you think should be on “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow,” speak up!

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Friday, December 15, 2006

I'm a loser baby.

Ok, so I DIDN'T win MKEOnline's blog of the year competition; and, if you ask me, I am taking this loss very well.........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who DID vote-THANK YOU so much for your support-I do it for you (and for the hot groupies who follow me around in their official LMW-assigned man-servant uniforms), and I am glad you like me; but for those of you who didn't vote, CLICK HERE to see the prize you are missing out on.

That's right, maybe next time you will think twice before NOT voting for Super Secret Rantings.....WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA.

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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Worst Case Scenario, listen up Nichole Riche!

Earlier this week, reality television personality and celebutante Nicole Richie was busted for her second DUI. Perhaps if she had watched THIS VIDEO prior to getting behind the wheel drunk, she may have been better prepared for the arresting officer.

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On the road with Little Miss Westchester

By now, you should all know that Little Miss Westchester has what many (including the fine law-enforcement officials of Milwaukee) would call "a lead foot." So imagine my surprise when, on my commute into work this morning, I was cut off by an aggressive female driver with an "I Heart Gardening Clubs" bumper sticker on the rear of her car.

Now, I don't know about you people, but I feel that if a person is going to be driving around Milwaukee like a something out of the Indy 500, that they should have a bumper sticker that properly reflects that. You know, so other drivers know what's coming....or should I say, what came, passed them, and is going.


So, in light of my newest stance on stickers, I decided to put my money where my mouth is and create a mock up of that bumper sticker that I think would MUCH better represent the tenacity with which that female driver took to the road:

Help me out, am I on to something here?

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

R.I.P. Peter Boyle

I was both surprised and saddened to learn of the passing of Everybody Loves Raymond star, Peter Boyle Tuesday night.

He was a talented actor, and if you haven't already, I HIGHLY encourage you to check out some of his work (ESPECIALLY Young Frankenstein).

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11 Days Until Christmas

Despite what you might be thinking, I AM filled with the holiday spirit. Once Thanksgiving rolls by, you can almost always find me with a candy cane in my mouth quietly humming my favorite Christmas tunes; frankly it is all I can do to keep from throwing my body into the nearest snow bank and furiously making snow angles! But how can I help myself? Everywhere I go, Christmas bells are ringing, Grandma is getting run over by reindeers, and a holiday is steadily approaching that will enable me to get off work and watch 25 consecutive hours of A Christmas Story, without feeling guilty.

Like anything though, there is a dark side to every Christmas cookie, and I have to talk to you about the sinister cloud that has recently settled over one of my favorite Christmas songs, and more importantly, the singing group that made it a legend.

So I ask you, Alvin and the Chipmunks***: were they the jovial characters David "Dave" Seville would have us believe? Or were their seemingly-lighthearted Chipmunk lives a carefully- orchestrated act, meant to hide a terrible truth: that Alvin, Simon, and Theodore were being driven to exhaustion by Dave’s insatiable greed for cash?


Yes, Dave was kind to adopt not one, but all THREE of the Chipmunk brothers from the animals-who-dress-like-humans orphanage. It is expensive to raise a child these days, and before Alvin, Simon and Theodore, Dave was a struggling songwriter-surviving pay check to pay check. But, Dave was desperate for a hit song; and once he realized those Chipmunks could talk, what was the FIRST THING Mr. Seville did? That’s right, he threw them into a recording studio and wouldn’t let them out until Alvin sang “hula hoop” to his liking.

Was it because the charismatic Chipmunk trio WANTED to spend their childhood as a touring musical act, or because David Seville had struck up a deal with the hula hoop manufacturers for a big check, in exchange for a product placement in “The Chipmunk Song, Christmas Don’t’ be Late.”

David’s song did go on to be a holiday hit, and hula hoops were flying off the shelves as one of the year’s most poplar Christmas toys. But where were Allen, Simon and Theodore in all of that? Did their Christmas dreams come true? I guess we will never really know.

***If you haven’t seen Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoons CLICK HERE to get up to speed.

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Monday, December 11, 2006

Holiday Shopping Guide 2007

Like many of you, I look forward to the holiday season as a time to eat as many cookies as I can, wear sweaters everyday, and play in the snow until my pants are wet (although they may have been wet anyway, so it serves as a great cover).

The holidays are also a time when you have to buy presents for the people you care about, or the people whose love you are trying to buy. So in the spirit of giving, here are a few ideas!

Edie Sedgwick Ipod Case, for your music-loving friends and/or your friends who are into horizontal stripes...either way, it helps if they own an Ipod.








Adorable Hand Made Notecards, this is a great gift for any friends you might have who love sending cards, or who are spending the holidays in prison and in need of a good distraction.




Dwight Schrute Bobble Head, this relatively-inexpensive little gem is perfect for coworkers, or people you know who have heads that far exceed the size of their shoulders.





Panini Maker , Up until earlier this month, had someone said to me that there is nothing better than a sandwhich, I would have agreed whole-heartedly; however, after eating a panini at Moody St. Clair's Aunt's house a few weekends ago, I now see the error in that line of thinking. BECAUSE, the fact of the matter is, there is nothing better than a WARM sandwhich.


Good luck shopping everyone and happy holidays!

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Friday, December 08, 2006

Oh, what the hell.

Ok, I usually am NOT, I repeat, I am NOT a fan of Dane Cook. But for some reason, THIS VIDEO of one of his comedy routines made me laugh my ass off. Pease enjoy!

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Thursday, December 07, 2006

Ding Dong, Dwight Schrute calling

If you are like me you love NBC's The Office...and you're afraid of corners.

SO, I was very excited when I found this neat little service on NBC's website that allows you to type in a phone number and recieve pre-recorded phone calls from Dunder Mifflen's resident curmudgeon and Associate (to the) Regional Manager, Mr. Dwight Schrute.

CLICK HERE to get your phone call from Dwight...

...and then CLICK HERE to vote for Super Secret Rantings at MKEOnline's Blog of the Year competition!

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What's worse...

I am not sure what is worse. The fact that boy-Westchester has ended my monopoly on the name “Westchester” at Company X, or that he now has a small painting of N’SYNC hanging in his cubi-cell.

At this point, I don’t see this rivalry ending with anything short of a cage match.

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Eye of the tiger!

The heat is ON....and I am not talking about the times I accidentally set the microwave on fire. No, the time has come for you to log in your votes for MKEOnline's MUCH-anticipated Blog of the Year competition. You can vote only once per e-mail address, so tell your friends...and vote with EVERY e-mail address you have! I am insecure people, and as you probably know by now, I need every win I can possible eek out...even if it is through bribery and votes made solely out of pity.

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR SUPER SECRET RANTINGS!

Speaking of bribery, if you do vote for me I will buy you a pony...that's right, a PONY!

(P.S. If your friends don't actually read Super Secret Rantings, here are some good examples of what this fabulous, and often-times neurotic blog is all about: Example 1 and Example 2.)


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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Happy holidays from Company X!

Late yesterday afternoon, Company X’s HR department announced our annual Holiday Cubicle Decorating contest. Composed on an e-mail bordered in festive garland, the contest’s only limitation called for all participants to decorate tastefully-and to keep any decorations within your designated work space.

When I came into the office today, I was delighted to see crystal candy bowls filled with chocolates popping up on every desk and colorful string lights and sparkling garland tastefully strung across cubi-cell walls.

It really is festive and fun…for the most part.

As you might imagine, one of my coworkers took the ground running with the holiday decorating assignment…and there doesn’t seem to be a finish line in sight.

I don’t mean to sound like a bitch here, but it seriously looks like Christmas just exploded in Coworker B’s cubi-cell. Not ONLY has she draped her cube walls in a thick garland of fake pine and ornaments, but she has also set up a large Santa (in addition to the fake puppy) on her desk; and, the last time I passed her cube, she was pulling another Christmas wreath out of a box.

I guess all I can do at this point is enjoy the fact that there is someone in the office who is stranger than I am; and, keep a fire distinguisher handy on the off-chance that Coworker B’s holiday spirit spontaneously combusts.

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Monday, December 04, 2006

A rose by any other name...

Recently, a man who is also named “Westchester” was hired at my company.

Naturally I resent him for this and bear a considerable amount of ill-will towards his persons.

I feel I am justified in this stance for several reasons:

1. He works in the row next to me, and whenever his friends say his name- I think they are talking to me, so I perk up. Then when I realize the truth, I immediately feel as though they are excluding me from their fun. Fact: NO one excludes Westchester from fun….or puts her in a corner with Jerry Orbach.

2. Since boy Westchester’s hire, I am ALWAYS getting e-mails and calls that are meant for him. That is annoying, and serves as a constant reminder that I am not getting calls or e-mails.

3. He spells his name “Weeschester,” and this slight difference has caused people to call into question the way I spell my name. IN-excusable….I have enough problems with spelling as it is.

4. I am afraid people will sit around discussing which Westchester they prefer. Fact: This is not a contest I am prepared to lose.

5. Fact: He is smaller than me.

6. Fact: He looks like a squirrel.

Due to the solid case I have made here, I bet you are wondering if I plan to fight this other “Weeschester,” this imposter to my namesake; and the answer, of course, is yes. One day when boy Weeschester least expects it, I will jump him behind the dumpsters and intimidate him with my extensive vocabulary and darting glances; and THAT, my friends, will be the END of boy Weeschester.

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Friday, December 01, 2006

Don't waste the pretty.


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Snow Patrol

If you live anywhere near the Milwaukee area, you are HOPEFULLY ditching work today to stay home and eat marshmallows . OR, if you are like me, it took you an hour to get into work just so you could hit a major deadline, on a project that you have hated since the day it was assigned.

Anyway, if you possibly can, stay inside Wisconsinites. It is just not worth it out there.

On another note, I just came to the very important realization last night that my latest crush is (to quote Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo) "just not that into me." Yes this is a sad thing; however, after a week of making excuses for this guy ("oh he's just shy", "oh, he just didn't think I was serious when I told him I was interested," ect.ect.ect.ect.), it is liberating to acknowledge it and move on. The simple fact of the matter is that when a guy does like you, he's gonna call-no matter how shy he might be. AND, he's going to call when he says he will-because he is just that excited to get you on the phone. I mean, correct me if I am wrong here guys, correct me if I'm wrong. To quote my newest Bible-o-dating once again, ladies please, "don't waste the pretty."

A'ight, I am outie. Whatever that means when you are snow-bound in your office building with no discernable means of escape.

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