Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween

In lieu of participating in Company X’s annual Halloween celebration last Friday, I decided to take a “mental health” day off from work and spend an afternoon of shopping and manicures with my mom.

Rather than go to our tried and tested mani/pedi spot, my mother insisted on checking out a newly-opened nail place that she had recently discovered in search of “a better deal.”

Ignoring for a moment that my mother’s “Magic Nails Salon” was located in the city’s oldest part of town, I accepted her proposal without protest-as I am flexible like that, and she was fitting the bill; however as soon as we pulled up to the store front, I had the sinking suspicion that any money we saved on manicures would quickly be spent on necessary, post-manicure tetanus shots.

My suspicions were, unfortunately, confirmed when we pulled up to the structure where the nail salon was located. Before housing nail salons and other such shops, the building itself had probably served as a two-family home; so long ago perhaps, that by the looks of the place, some of the town’s founding settlers had probably lent a hand in its construction.

Once we entered the store, I was quickly assigned to a small man-icurist named Kevin, who silently led me to his booth, where I was instructed to remove my rings and sit down.

For a blessed while, Kevin completely ignored me, choosing instead to converse with another salon employee in Vietnamese. This discussion lasted for quite a while, with Kevin breaking from the dialog only once to exclaim, “I don’t care if your husband’s a doctor!”

Finally, he turned his attention back to me and spoke.

Kevin: Are you married?
Westchester: Noooooo….
Kevin: …….Oh my, you have short nails! No, these are no good. You want me to put tips on them?
Westchester: No, no. My nails are ok.
Kevin: (Pause) No, these are not ok. Let me put on tips. You give me three months, and I can have your nails as long as MINE!

And with that, Kevin threw down the nail file he was holding and matter-of-factly fanned out his nails for my viewing pleasure. Each tiny digit was adorned with dramatically long fingernails-whose extreme lengths were only to be out done by the longest nails that adorned his pinky fingers. Kevin’s eyes flared with pride, and I bit my lip to hold back the screams that so desperately wanted to come out.

At that point, my mother shouted over her shoulder that I was a life-long nail biter, far beyond any sort of nail-biting redemption.

Kevin slowly shook his head in sad resignation; my short nails a personal affront to the very long, very cat like nails he had worked so hard to cultivate on his own hands.

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Trouble with Teats

Earlier today, I received an e-mail from a coworker subjected, "Teat Day."

I feverishly e-opened the note, all the while wondering how long I would have to wait before a "Human Resources Apology/Retraction for Teat Day" graced my inbox.

It quickly became clear to me that this salacious e-mail was just the unfortunate error of a harried, and forgetful employee; as the body of the e-mail went on to say that there were “treats in the break room,” rather than detailing the entry rules for Company X's first-ever wet t-shirt contest.

In the end, this e-mail will still go down in Westchester-history as yet another chapter in Department X's long and storied history of bumbling, poorly-executed treat exchanges.

As you may recall from previous postings, Department X's weekly Treat Days are the source of much inter-department squabbles; and, after receiving several verbal warnings myself after bringing in "unsatisfactory" treats, I no longer chose to participate in these ironically-tedious dessert-shares.

On another note, only 61 days to Christmas.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Like two sides of a very strange little coin.

The other night, Mister Mister’s friend Matt said that Mister and I are so alike, that I am like a female version of him

Does this mean that Mister also suffers from uncontrollable urges to put rhinestones in his mouth, and flees in complete terror from squirrels?

God I hope not.

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Confessions of a Superhero

As you may recall, Little Miss Westchester likes to imagine herself as something of a superhero. Delusions of grandeur, you might be thinking? I don't think so.

But I can't help but identify with these fallen heroes, in this very cool, very interesting documentary, Confessions of a Superhero. I watched the trailer for this bad boy, and I have to say I am intrigued. Up, up, and away!


"CONFESSIONS OF A SUPERHERO is a feature length documentary that chronicles the lives of three mortal men and one woman who make their living working as superhero characters on Hollywood Boulevard. This deeply personal look into their daily routines reveals their hardships and triumphs as they pursue and achieve their own kind of fame. The Hulk sold his Super Nintendo for a bus ticket to LA; Wonder Woman was a mid-western homecoming queen; Batman struggles with his anger, while Superman’s psyche is consumed by the Man of Steel. Although the Walk of Fame is right beneath their feet, their own paths to stardom prove to be long, hard climbs."

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Duck Tales

There is a woman in my office who sneezes like a duck.

I am not kidding, a frickin' duck.

Well either a duck, or someone punching a duck; which, either way you look at it, is pretty terrible.

And to add insult to already egregious injury, she seems to be allergic to her cubi-cell, thus ensuring a guaranteed hourly rendition of, “Donald Duck Sings the Blues***."

I want to leave some sort of a note on this woman’s desk to communicate my dissatisfaction with her constant duck noises. Something subtle; something that will get the point across without causing a stir; perhaps, a little something like THIS.

***Not a real song.

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Friday, October 05, 2007

80 days until Christmas...

I like to listen to music in my cubi-cell.

Frankly, it is the only way I can get any work done.

Unfortunately, I also like to silently sing to the music as well, which is the driving force behind today’s little work-related blunder. While jamming along to the Bangles quintessential hit, “Eternal Flame” I quickly found myself lost in the song, dancing and moving my lips along to the music.

It wasn’t until the 2nd time through the chorus that I felt someone looking at me. Quickly I turned around, in time to see Sideshow Bob (known to you here as Coworker J) and Coworker M standing behind me and watching my display.

This, as you might imagine, is not an ideal way to end a work week.

On the bright side, the infamous Christmas Countdown has resumed....


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