Guide to Impressing a Female Parrot, and other useful information.

If you are like me, you are probably very good looking and have big breasts. Oh, and you really hate spam e-mails.

Correction, you USUALLY hate spam e-mails.

Until today, I would spend good portions of my mornings begrudgingly weeding through my In Box, deleting anything that looked shady, and silently cursing the day I ever entered my contact information into that free porn site. That was until this morning, when I received an e-mail from one “Lenora Rudd,” subjected, and I quote: “Impress yourself, Impress your woman parrot.”

Immediately, I (electronically) ripped open the unsolicited correspondence; and (for the first time ever), was literally unable to contain my excitement over the spastic musings of a crazy stranger who intends to defraud me.

Here is what Lenora Rudd had to say:

“If you expect to gain info concerning in which manner you may extend a new dimension for your rod, you've got to see our site.

Caution delicate material next:
laid
quiz
squint
.cesium
dash
spunk
groove
bit
hal
idaho
oilman
fallen
!
Zoo”

Of the “delicate material” in the list above-a few key words stood out to me.

1. “Quiz” – Where is this quiz, and what will the results tell me about how to impress a female parrot?
2. “Hal”- Who is this Hal character? Is it a friend of Lenora’s? And what does Hal know about parrots?
3. “Idaho”- Does Hal live in Idaho?Is he in need of rescue? I am sure I would want to be rescued if I lived in Idaho too!
4. “Oilman”- AH, it is all coming together now. !!!!!????!!!!

Needless to say, the e-mail shed very little light on how one could impress their female parrot-but, I was pleased to see it made mention of Idaho-which in my estimation, it the most forgotten state…after Nebraska.

After opening that little gem, I got to thinking there might be more useful information that could be gleaned from spam. So without further delay, I proceeded to read through all of my spam e-mails in search of a holy grail; and let me tell you, I struck gold!!!

According to Mr. Koffi Adams, the scribe behind “CONTACT DONALD JACK IMMEDIATELY,” $800,000 has been transferred into a bank account by a newly-found friend of Koffi’s in Mexico; and, if I provide my full name, home address, and cell phone number to Donald Jack, Koffi Adam’s male secretary, that money will be mine. ALL MINE!

My money prayers have been answered-and now I will finally be able to afford a condo overlooking the lake, and that talking monkey I have always wanted!