Saved by the Blogger

Hello everyone! I have good news and bad news; and, if you are anything like me, you are going to want the bad news first. The bad news is I don’t have time to blog this week because I am swamped at work and my boss is pissed at me…

The good news is I have enlisted blogging buddy Bruce Dierbeck from Living on the Backside of Twenty to sub in with a guest posting. Bruce is always good for the “guy” perspective on life; and he is single and ready to mingle ladies, so feel free to leave him a comment with your measurements…I mean your bra size… I mean…..well you know what I mean. Enjoy!

***"Saved by the Blogger", by Bruce Dierbeck***

Hello students, I am your substitute blogger, Mr. Dierbeck. But like the time on “Saved By The Bell” where Mr. Belding’s brother substitute taught and wanted to be called by his first name “Rob” instead of Mr. Belding, I would like you all to call me Bruce. I’m from living on the backside of twenty. I‘m sure Little Miss Westchester has written up a fun little intro, explaining why I am your substitute right now, so I won’t bore you with a diatribe about it.

Instead, I will bore you with other diatribes. Many of you, who are regulars here, may not know what’s going on across the street at my blog. But these are among the sorts of observations that meander about in this warped imagination of mine.

Like, why are we wasting our time cloning sheep? If scientists want to fiddle around with the genetic matter of a species, then I say look no further than the ant. As is, these tiny dudes already lift ten to twenty times their weight. Imagine if we lifted the hood and tweaked their DNA engine so they were, oh I don’t know, about the size of a poodle? Think of it. If we yoked up the ant, and created a Super Ant that was no more than forty pounds, we could slap a leash on these buggers and do away with the entire moving business industry. Sure, my dream Moving Company named “Guns For Hire” would be obsolete, but suddenly, you could have poodle-sized ants carrying an entire couch on their back for you! Part pet, part tool: the Swiss Army Knife of species. After all, a forty pound ant could carry potentially 400 to 800 pounds. That’s insane! Heck, if your ant was really the socialite and still spoke with all its friends from High School as well, they could probably get enough of them together to lift and move your entire house, rather than hiring one of those big, slow, megatrucks. But no. Scientists are wasting their time with Dolly. Come on! Priorities! Ooooh, they give us sweaters. Forget the sheep. We’re talking Super Ants!

Oh yeah, but no tweaking those flying ants, though. That could induce mass hysteria if forty pound ants started flying around; that’s too reminiscent of those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and remember the number those things did on the Scarecrow. Hell, they treated him the way pre-teen girls treat pillows at a slumber party. Imagine what ‘roided up Flying Ants would do. Yikes! No, we keep our Super Ants land-based for our own Darwinian survivalist reasons.

Something I’ve been wondering for a while “when will the hand dryers in public bathrooms finally blow enough hot hair to actually dry our flippin hands? Wow, this is frustrating” especially in bathrooms where you aren’t even given the choice of paper towel anymore. Those, especially, should give you more than 2.3 seconds of warm air to dry your hands. So then you come out of the bathroom and shake hands upon returning to your friends, and people suddenly lump you into the same class as the guy who pees in the pool. Unfair. How else do they expect to convert people to the air drying method, if they don’t provide us with functioning models? Paper towel, I mourn your eventual demise. You will be missed, my brother.
And finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t drop a little relationship nugget for those of you who may also be on the backside of twenty and relate. Doesn’t it seem like the longer you’re single, the more it’s like Christmas shopping on December 23rd? It just seems like all the good ones are already taken. But don’t be fooled. I’m an optimist, so I like to think the glass of eggnog is half full. After all, there are always the after-Christmas-returns, where you get a chance at those items that weren’t available before the holidays. So buck up, fellow shopper. Sometimes it just takes patience.

Oh, there’s the bell. Class dismissed.

***The End***

CLICK HERE to check out Bruce’s blog, Living on the Backside of Twenty! And please check back later this week for more stories and pictures from the ever-crazy adventures of Milwaukee's own, Little Miss Westchester.