The Good Girl

I have always been a very well-behaved, rule-abiding citizen. No detentions, no arrests is my motto (that and ‘modesty is for suckers,’ but for the purpose of this posting, I will stick with the former). I haven’t even had a cavity for gosh-sakes. But there were times growing up where I felt the need to break the rules; and like any kid, I did my part to piss my parent’s off.

Mostly I just mouthed off to my parents or refused to do the chores that I was assigned. I guess you could also say that I had a bit of a temper as well; but a few well-placed sessions with a child psychiatrist put an end to that and quickly turned me into the well-adjusted citizen I am today. Tee hee.

But anyway, if pressed to reflect on my greatest attempts at civil disobedience, I would be remiss not to mention the two instances that I “tried” to run away from home. And I say “tried,” of course, because I was a lazy child and never once made it out of the subdivision. At this point, I can’t even remember what happened to inspire these grand revolts; but anyway, here are brief accounts of my great escapes for your reading enjoyment:

1st Runaway Attempt, “Make like a tree and get out of here”-Age 6

After packing a small 8x13 plastic yellow suitcase with all of the essentials (Barbie Doll, String Cheese, clean underwear), I proceeded to climb the blossom tree in my front yard with the determined resolve to never come down again. Although my sense of purpose was strong, my mom managed to coax me down 15-minutes later with the promise of freshly baked cookies. I chalk this gross failure up to inexperience, and my highly-misguided first-grade sensibilities.

2nd Runaway Attempt, “The Great Suburban Strike of 1990”-Age 10

It was winter, and for some reason my mom pissed me off to the point that I could no longer stand living in the suburbs. So I waited in my room until the rest of my family left the house, before grabbing my coat and an apple and heading out to a snow bank behind my parent’s house. Fast forward one hour: I had already eaten the apple and could no longer feel my ass, so I figured I had bravely made my point and went back inside. Sadly, this valiant attempt at an insurgence went unnoticed, as there was no one in the house when I left or when I returned.

I guess it’s a good thing I have parent’s who love me and that I learned how to properly brush my teeth at an early age.