Update...anything at all

As you all have probably noticed, I have been a major delinquent in terms of this blog; and don't get me wrong, things are happening...I just can't bring myself to write about them.

So here is an update from my favorite comedien, Mike Birbiglia's "Secret Public Journal"-please enjoy, and hold tight, I promise there will be updates next week!!!

"Dear Secret Journal,

I've just completed the first leg of my "Medium Man on Campus" Tour. In 7 days, I did shows at NYU, Hamilton, SUNY Albany, Missouri, Kansas, UVA, and Dickinson. And I am very relieved that I made it to these shows because my dirty little secret is that I am a huge flake. You see, when I wake up in the morning to catch the flight to my next show, there is a tiny little man in my head (who I call Sleepy Karl) who insists that in fact we don't have to go to fly to Charlottesville, Virginia, but rather that we would be better served by lying in bed for another 4 hours and fading in and out of consciousness. For many years I have done battle with Sleepy Karl and for the most part I am victorious. But sometimes I am not.

REAL GENIUS
When I was in college, I took a class called "Computers and Networks" that was at 9 in the morning and I went to the first couple of classes and found that a lot of the stuff was way over my head. The professor was talking about "computers" and "what's inside them" and so eventually when I would wake up for class, Sleepy Karl would say things like "Why would you go listen to someone talking gibberish about computers when you could be here riding on a ferris wheel made entirely of pizza?" So I stopped going to class. And I didn't return until the midterm, assuming that I would at least pass, since after all I'm a computer genius. But I failed. And I decided that from now on I would go to class. I would study for the final. I would experience the college movie montage where everyone in the dorm is helping me get ready. Val Kilmer would be hanging upside down from the shower curtain rod quizzing me wearing flippers and an oven mitt. But that montage never happened and when I showed up at the class before the final to find out what would be on the final, the guy next to me says, "Do you think we'll get back the final?" And I said, "We took the final? Oh nooo." So I run to the computer science department and there's my professor and I say, "Hi professor…" but I didn't know his name. So I said, "Sir, I'm Mike Birbiglia and I'm in your class and I misunderstood the syllabus and I missed the final." And he was very angry. He didn't even look at me. He just looked at the floor. And he said "You get the worst grade." And I said "So I get a zero?" and he said, "You get the grade that the person who did the worst on the test got on the test." And I thought, "That is great news, because that's what I would have gotten if I had taken the test. Or I would have done worse." So we got back our tests and the person who did the worst on the test passed the test. So I passed the test AND I passed the class. And I am proud to be an American. Every few months, I have a dream where I find out that there's a class that I'm enrolled in that I haven't attended and I'm just finding out at the end of the semester. And I think the reason I have the dream is that it happened. And the class I never went to is a metaphor for the class I never went to.

CHASING AMY
So I'm in Kansas and I have to wake up at 4 am to catch the only available flight to Charlottesville, VA. And since 4 am is such an unreasonable time, I had a contentious debate with Sleepy Karl. Sleepy Karl was like, "They can't expect you to get up this early." And I was like "Good point, Karl." As I pondered this, I drifted into sleep for another 20 minutes. Then I realized that I was going to be late, so I raced to the airport, returned my rental, and got my ticket. I was going to make the flight after all. But as I reached the front of security, I was told that my ticket had someone else's name on it: They were like "Are you John Grant?" And I was like "Not only am I not John Grant, but I don't even know who John Grant is." I mean, if they had said, "Are you Sleepy Karl?" I could have at least said "No, but I know him." If they had said "Are you Ben Affleck?" I could say "No, but I feel like his career declined after Chasing Amy." But John Grant was this major curveball. So when I shook my head, they said "You have to go back to the ticket line." I looked through the glass and saw that my flight was boarding and I turned around and sprinted back to the ticket line. It was in those five minutes that I believe 11 years was taken off my life. But I returned with the correct ticket and boarded the flight. I arrived in Charlottesville and did the show at UVA. I passed the test. And I passed the class.
BIGBut it made me think about how I keep making the same mistakes. And how the hardest thing about becoming an adult is that when you're a kid and you mess up, you can say "Well…I was young and stupid." But when you're an adult and you mess up, all you can say is "I am stupid." So I've decided to make a change. In 3 weeks from now, I begin a month-long tour across the country. But something is going to be different. This time, I have rented a bus and a driver to bring me across the country, insuring that there is no way I can miss my shows. I have come to grips with who I am. I am a child. And children ride in a bus. I'll see you out there, everybody. I'll be the guy in the bus, hanging out with Sleepy Karl.

That concludes this week's entry in my Secret Public Journal. "