Gone in 30 seconds

When you work in a fledgling company, like I do-there are always going to be positives and negatives to that environment. The positives include opportunities for leadership at earlier junctures and the abilities to distinguish your skills, and advance at a faster rate than someone buried in a huge corporation. But, as gravity has always shown us, what goes up must come down; and I just came face to face with that reality in one of the day's meetings.

I wouldn't say that I am a slow learner, per say- because frankly, Company X is not a big believer in "official training," so I am more than a little inexperienced. In an effort to make up for(cough, hide) my professional failings at the company, I always try to dress the part of someone that knows what they are doing. Like an actor playing a character, I hold my face in expressions that scream "knowledgeable" and "inquisitive" and I wear outfits I think a business person would wear. My hope is that these superficial posings will make up for the fact that more often then not, I have no clue what people are talking about.

Today, as I casually scanned my e-mails I realized that I was scheduled to attend a meeting with a bunch of company executives-and, that the meeting was slated to begin in exactly five minutes. So I ran, desperately trying not to make eye contact with the (very) judgmental data-entry people in my department, all the while thinking, "this is my shot to show the bosses I am a valuable asset to this company."

Once in the meeting, I listened intently-peppering my "thoughtful pose" with occasional nodding and knowing smiles. Then, after an hour of listening, one of the people at the meeting began asking questions, one of which I thought I could answer. So, in an effort to display my worth in the meeting and prove I actually worked at the company, I opened my mouth to speak (and there in lies my fatal mistake).

10 seconds into my reply, "Vice President 1" cut in and asked me to follow up with the person later on. She then explained that when someone in the meeting asks a question, "we" needed to keep our answers down to 30 seconds. 30 SECONDS! I can't even tie my shoes in that time frame-let along construct a thought-provoking and intelligent answer. Regardless of the absurdity, as she silenced me, the world around my chair slowed to a halt, and all I could think of was how lovely life would have been if I was born as a puddle. That way, rather than face the embarrassment firing squad which now lay before me, I could simply melt out of the room-never to be slipped on again.

I can't be sure what happened next, because I was too busy looking at my shoes-but I would imagine the data-entry people were laughing at me, and that the executives were shaking their heads in utter disappointment.

Sigh. So much for excellence.