What Would Jared Do?

Today for lunch I decided to treat myself to a mid-day meal at Subway. It was nearly 3 PM by the time I made it over and the restaurant was practically empty save a scruffy employee meticulously sketching a set of tribal-themed tattoos on a napkin and a small family(one dad, one mom and 1.5 children) standing in line to create their sandwiches. The robust daddy was clearly in charge of placing the order while the petite mother calmly struggled to juggle her unusually large baby in one hand and a Venti(extra-large) Frappuccino with whipped cream in the other.

Now it must be said that after working for Disney for a semester in college, I somehow managed to develop this keen distaste for children. It's not that I wouldn't ever want one of my own, and I still think the vast majority(nothings worse than an ugly baby) are adorable, but I just don't like making efforts to be friendly to strange babies anymore. Especially after learning of their almost instinctual capacity for committing evil acts once placed in a theme-park setting.

But for the past year I have desperately tried to overcome these reservations and make an effort to AT LEAST smile. So moving ahead with that I wrinkled my nose at the portly tot and gave him a friendly smile.

The baby must have sensed my discomfort and responded accordingly. Coyly, he tilted his bulbous little head towards his mother and buried his moon-like face into her arm. Next he peaked out at me and smiled shyly from the folds of her paisley shirt. Thinking the whole ordeal was over I relaxed slightly-and in that brief moment lies my fatal mistake.

I looked away for an instant, a second! Sensing my weakness the baby moved fast whipping his little marshmallow legs into the air and sending his mother's balance into a whirl. In an attempt to regain her grasp on the squirming man-child, she quickly released her monstrous Frappuccino sending it flying through the air where it landed inches from my feet. Like a dense milk-grenade, it hit the ground hard, splattering its contents onto the floor and all over the front of my pin-stripped pants.

The parents apologized of course, and the staff showed unusual concern at the outcome of the terrible accident. I let it go-saying "Oh, I have brothers, this is nothing." But I was shaken to say the least.

Truth be told, I am not even mad really. That baby outsmarted us all. In my mind I imagine him growing unusually bigger every day, continuing to subversively protest his mother's overpriced coffee drinks, and all the while thumbing his nose at the man.