Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Dream a little dream 4

After a long day pretending to work, sleep always comes easy to this weary blogger.

My head hits the pillow and I am down for the count, slowly falling into a deep and dream-filled sleep.

Like you, I spend my nights in a dream world where I have the power of flight, and enjoy sunny afternoons soaring high above the clouds in an effortless journey into the sky. Other nights my entire town has been overrun by vengeful zombies/creepy government agents/merciless vampires; and somehow, I am the last surviving townsperson yet to be eaten/made to work in a polling station/turned into a vampire.

I realize this is all typical dream stuff, really. Although, I am not sure which of those dreams is less realistic: the idea that I would be able to fly, or that I would somehow be the last living survivor of a battle against some dangerous threat to society? Something tells me I have a better chance of sprouting wings from my spinal chord than ever living to see the end of a war against the supernatural, but you never know.

Lately, however, my dreams have taken a turn for the seriously boring, and it is really beginning to depress me! Last night, for example, I spent the better part of the evening encased in a dream that featured your’s truly reorganizing a medicine cabinet. That’s it. That was my dream. I was in a bathroom, reorganizing the shelves of a medicine cabinet.

What the hell am I going to do about all of these delusions of grandeur of mine, if I can’t at the very least live the life of a famous/interesting person while I am asleep?

Stay tuned for an exciting follow-up post detailing the ancient and fabled art of choosing the right shelving paper…..

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's not me, it's you.

Last night my latest crush "friended me."

"friended (verb) : When a girl or boy you have been on a few dates with decides they just want to be friends. Once you are 'friended.' you are not allowed to be romantically interested in them. Friending can appear to happen without warning." (Urban Dictionary)

This serves as a sad little end-of-the-week blow to yours truly's otherwise grandiose ego.

Never mind that the guy made widely close minded remarks on our first date declaring that he would never date a person of my political persuasion, or that he liked to interrupt me when I was weaving one of my famously entertaining yarns.

The fact of the matter is, that I did not have any say in the matter-and that disappoints me.

On another note, I have 5, count them, FIVE spider bites on my left leg-does this mean I am going to get super powers? Because, in the event that I DO get powers, I will probably have to take the contents of this blog in a slightly different direction. For example, rather than agonizing over my latest crush or whether or not a squirrel is going to ambush me from a tree above my head- I will have to change my approach to topics addressing new concerns; namely, the everyday hassles of a person with superpowers.

For starters, how can I harness my super powers to see maximum results from exercising without having to put forth maximum effort? Is there a way these new powers of mine can ensure that only the best spam e-mails make their way into my e-mail inbox? Should I change my blogging tag from Little Miss Westchester to SUPER Little Miss Westchester? How about a discussion about how my new cape looks better with sneakers rather than the typical female super hero boots! Then there will be the inevitable diatribes regarding my efforts to find new ways to use rhinestones as weapons (in addition to their value in t-shirt making and arts and crafts projects).

Clearly, I have a LOT to think about.

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Squirrels: 0, Little Miss Westchester: 1

As you know by now, I hate squirrels. They are annoying, strangely aggressive, and they have pointy teeth (see: Top Three Fears_Vampires); which was why I was both thrilled (and disgusted) to discover a dead squirrel lying on the ground near my apartment building the other night.

Thrilled, because that is one less squirrel that I have to worry about jumping on my head from some dastardly perch in a tree; and disgusted, because well, the dead squirrel was missing its head. Its little body frozen in what I would image was the grips of terror (although I can't be sure, because there was no head, and thus no facial expressions upon which I could base these claims).

Ultimately, I can't be sure how the little guy met his (very-timely) end-but my gut tells me it had something to do with another animal removing its head. Well that, or the deceased read my blog and was so overwhelmed by my distaste for his species that his head just kindof popped off and rolled away.

Either of these seems like a realistic scenario-so I guess we will have to chalk this up as just another one of the cosmos’ great mysteries-fated to remain unsolved.

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Monday, May 07, 2007

Guide to Impressing a Female Parrot, and other useful information.

If you are like me, you are probably very good looking and have big breasts. Oh, and you really hate spam e-mails.

Correction, you USUALLY hate spam e-mails.

Until today, I would spend good portions of my mornings begrudgingly weeding through my In Box, deleting anything that looked shady, and silently cursing the day I ever entered my contact information into that free porn site. That was until this morning, when I received an e-mail from one “Lenora Rudd,” subjected, and I quote: “Impress yourself, Impress your woman parrot.”

Immediately, I (electronically) ripped open the unsolicited correspondence; and (for the first time ever), was literally unable to contain my excitement over the spastic musings of a crazy stranger who intends to defraud me.

Here is what Lenora Rudd had to say:

“If you expect to gain info concerning in which manner you may extend a new dimension for your rod, you've got to see our site.

Caution delicate material next:
laid
quiz
squint
.cesium
dash
spunk
groove
bit
hal
idaho
oilman
fallen
!
Zoo”

Of the “delicate material” in the list above-a few key words stood out to me.

1. “Quiz” – Where is this quiz, and what will the results tell me about how to impress a female parrot?
2. “Hal”- Who is this Hal character? Is it a friend of Lenora’s? And what does Hal know about parrots?
3. “Idaho”- Does Hal live in Idaho?Is he in need of rescue? I am sure I would want to be rescued if I lived in Idaho too!
4. “Oilman”- AH, it is all coming together now. !!!!!????!!!!

Needless to say, the e-mail shed very little light on how one could impress their female parrot-but, I was pleased to see it made mention of Idaho-which in my estimation, it the most forgotten state…after Nebraska.

After opening that little gem, I got to thinking there might be more useful information that could be gleaned from spam. So without further delay, I proceeded to read through all of my spam e-mails in search of a holy grail; and let me tell you, I struck gold!!!

According to Mr. Koffi Adams, the scribe behind “CONTACT DONALD JACK IMMEDIATELY,” $800,000 has been transferred into a bank account by a newly-found friend of Koffi’s in Mexico; and, if I provide my full name, home address, and cell phone number to Donald Jack, Koffi Adam’s male secretary, that money will be mine. ALL MINE!

My money prayers have been answered-and now I will finally be able to afford a condo overlooking the lake, and that talking monkey I have always wanted!

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Not ready to make nice, Time Magazine.

Time Magazine recently published its list of the most "influential people in the world." Immediatly, there was much debate over the magazine's decision to exclude the President of the United States from the list in lieu of well, a bunch of people I have never heard of.

Surely, George Bush has more influence than say, NBC's quirky comedienne Tina Fey (although I will conceed to their inclusion of Justin Timberlake because he makes me feel all funny in my mommy parts). But frankly, these are little matters compared to the two things about this list that have me all up in arms.

Firstly, for the second yeat in a row, no one from Milwaukee made the list... no wait, screw Milwaukee, I didn't make the list! Me, Little Miss Westchester! To this I say: whatever Time Magazine. Maybe I didn't want to be on your stupid list anyway.

Secondly, and perhaps more disturbingly, Nickleback* didn't make the list either!

What a bunch of bull.


There, that's more like it.

*Kidding!

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The Last King of Scotland...its not Hugh Grant, Part 2

America is founded on several important principals.

1. Freedom of speech
2. Right to bear arms
3. Freedom from tyranny-no matter your ethnicity, gender or religion
4. Free stuff in the mail if your blog gets more than 5 readers a day.

And it is that last principle, my fair readers, that I will be addressing, with great aplomb, today.

It all began when my mother dragged me to see a movie about genocide in Africa, when I was under the distinct impression that she was taking me to see a romantic comedy with Hugh Grant. What resulted was THIS POSTING, and a wicked hangover the following day.

Fast forward several weeks later: I am sitting in my cubi-cell picking my nose…I MEAN, working diligently, when I received an e-mail asking me to officially review the movie on Super Secret Rantings in exchange for a free DVD copy of The Last King of Scotland! No matter that I like to watch movies like Grease and Romy and Michelle’s Highschool Reunion in my down time-and will probably not be putting the film into my regular rotation. It is free, and damnit there are no journalistic ethics and/or principles I am not willing to break for free stuff.

As you might imagine, I will still write a helpful review (as I would never want to unwittingly send my 7 loyal readers into a movie as TERRIBLE as, say, Murder by Numbers). So please stay tuned for my official review of The Last King of Scotland...or just buy a few bottles of wine and rent it yourself-cause it really was a powerful movie...but you will def. want to drink after you watch it.

What a glorious way to start a work week!

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Happy Hump Day Bitches!

If you don't watch NBC's The Office on Thursday nights, well, frankly I don't know what to do with you. But if you DO watch the show, than you will truly, TRULY appreciate today's clip. Enjoy.

CLICK HERE to hear Andy serenade Jim on their way to a sales call.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Overheard in the Office 7

Rachel California: France is in Europe, right?

Westchester:......................................Right.

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Tale of two cities.

This was a great weekend.

On Friday night, I accompanied Rachel California and Laney LaRue for the grand opening party of Milwaukee’s Intercontinental Hotel. In addition to a spirited performance by Milwaukee’s pop darlings The Gufs, there were free drinks, free food and respectful conversation all around. After the girls and I sampled all there was to sample and the band had finished their set, we headed up to the after party, where I somehow started talking to some model named Stacey and her kooky boyfriend Todd.


Attempting to court The Gufs.

To onlookers at the party, it might have appeared as though Stacey, Todd and I had known each other all of our lives-perhaps spending our childhood summers together in Lake Geneva. Learning to ride our bikes side by side. And don’t get me wrong, Stacey and Todd were nice and all; but looking back, my enthusiasm for our conversation was more likely rooted in the enthusiastic mix of beer, wine, and champagne I was drinking all night, rather than our chat about Todd's photography. This, of course, is just a guess.

Eventually the party came to an end; and, after exchanging woeful goodbyes with my new best friends Todd and Stacey, Laney, Rachel and I headed home.

Back in my apartment, my champagne euphoria quickly spiraled into something a little less…euphoric, resulting in several unintelligible drunk texts, a well-intentioned drunk dial to Coworker X, and a few purposeful trips to the bathroom once my otherwise sturdy bedroom began spinning violently around my head.

As you can imagine, I would have liked to have spent the better part of Saturday with my head under a pillow in a self-sustained cocoon of darkness made up entirely of a plate of peanut butter toast, some Advil, and a complex straw unit set up to allow me to drink water without ever having to move my head or body in any way. But, the show must go on, and I had a $3.00 Megabus to Chicago to catch! Yes, I spent my Saturday and Sunday visiting my old college pals and I Felta Thigh sorority sisters: Peppermint Patty, Jazzy A, Nurse Blondie, Foxy Sunshine, Miller Time, and the incomparable F’n Early!

After Jazzy picked me up at Union Station, she proceeded to take me on a lovely tour of downtown Chicago’s Millennium Park. There I marveled at my reflection in the Cloud Gate statue (which basically looks like a big silver bean), and spent the better part of a half hour imagining my face within The Crown Fountain impressive video display. Next it was onto Weed Street’s Sangria Restaurant for some delicious Tapas and, you guessed it, Sangria. Delicioso.

Here I am on top of the Bean!

In what seemed like no time at all, it was 3:00PM Sunday afternoon, and I had to hop back on the bus back to Milwaukee. I was sad to see my buddies go-but the adventures of Little Miss Westchester must go on; with your girl steadily growing a little older, a little wiser, and hopefully next time, with a little less of a champagne hangover.

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