Friday, March 30, 2007

Let's turn this mother out!

If you have ever read this blog, you will know I spend a good portion of my time delving into serious topics like the very real potential of a zombie outbreak in Milwaukee, and the ever-growing list of my many neurosis....but I will not be discussing THOSE things today.

NO, today I want to change up the mood on Super Secret Rantings to something a little more fun, and hopefully, a little more sexy as well; and frankly, I can't think of a better way to do that than by exploring the endless mystique of circa 1980-Finnish pop music!


CLICK HERE to watch potentially, the worst music video ever made. Mark my word, you will be tempted to stop the video, almost immediately I imagine. But trust me, it is worth it to watch the whole thing, if only for the dancing! Even when I close my eyes, I can still see them dancing.
Have a great weekend people, see you on the flip side!

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Good news for people who hate bad poetry.

On the up side, Coworker X and I are still on speaking terms (despite my best efforts yesterday to sabotage any chance of me ever finding a boyfriend)...on the down side, however, X is now sending me his poetry to read.

Now I appreciate the modern sensitive male as much as the next gal-but nothing is worse than PRETENDING to like bad poetry because you are desperately attracted to the author.

I would post his latest poem about friendship here-but I don't want to scare off the 7 readers I have left...you'll thank me later.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Open mouth, extract foot.

Every time I see my crush du jour, Coworker X, I feel lightheaded, overcome with dizziness, and I immediately panic.

Which is why, for some reason, I have been bullying X every chance I get. Why oh why do I do this, (you might be wondering). The answer to that is as simple as a summer day: because I am socially awkward people!

Take for example, today's disastrous e-mail exchange:

ME: You know what would be great? If you would run to Starbucks and get me a cup of coffee.

HIM: Sure, I’m all over that, hold your breath while I go! It would make for a more pleasant experience for me!

ME: You’re no fun. :(

HIM: I’m so fun, and you just don’t know it.

ME: Oh yes. That must be why you spent your Friday night at home, under a blanket, alone……

ME: You're pouting now, aren't you?

Not surprisingly, those last little barbs have not garnered a response; although I do believe I just heard the distinct sound of an sniffling and/or whimpering coming from his cubi-cell...so I guess I got my answer there. Needless to say, I don't see X running out to get me coffee any time soon.

Awkward note above courtesy of FOUND Magazine. If you have never visited the site, the time is NOW.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I Heart Ficticious Teenaged Wizards!

It is quiet now, and a seemingly-impenetrable darkness has fallen over the Westchester camp…a void, if you will. Sadly, this is an absence that cannot be filled by my usual delights (namely the makeup aisle at Walgreen's or anything with rhinestones). Nay, this new darkness has only one known cure namely: the July 31st release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter literary series.

Had you asked me just three months ago what all of the to do was concerning a boy named Harry and his precocious little friends-I would have tossed my head back, laughed in your face and chortled, "Little care I!"

I was innocent then. Unawares.

However, after a raucous debate with a few hearty Potter fans, I soon buckled to the endless appeal of that cruel mistress that is, peer pressure.....and J.K. Rowling.

Giving little thought to the 5 other books that lay ahead, I picked up Harry Potter, book one, and began my duel with pop culture. A duel that I was destined to lose.

Three months, and some-4,000 uninterrupted pages later, I have finished the existing Harry Potter books-and have now joined the ranks of J.K. Rowling's world-wide army of geeks. Oh J.K., the yarns you have woven are dancing circles around my easily-influenced, consumer-driven brain. I am putty in your hands, as my head is churning with frantic thoughts-thoughts that cannot be quelled until July 31st, 2007.

It is a cruel game you are playing J.K.-a game that you will surely win.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

46 out of 50 ain't bad...

Can you name all 50 US states in 10 minutes? Had I not had to hide the test from 3 different coworkers who interrupted me...I might have stood a chance.

Anyway CLICK HERE to test your skillz!

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Grandma knows best!

Last night, while on the phone with my friend and coworker Rachel California, our discussion took a sudden turn towards the topic of our single status. Here is the conversation that followed:

Rachel California: Westchester, I am sick of being single. It is really bumming me out.

Westchester: Have you talked to your Grandma about this? What does she think?

Rachel: Hold on, let me ask her. (Yelling to her Grandma in the other room) Grandma, I am tired of being single…what should I do?

Rachel’s Grandma: (yelling from the other room) Get married.

Rachel: Who should I marry Grandma?

Grandma: The first guy that comes along.

Rachel: (Into the phone) Did you just hear her?

(Pause)

Westchester: ........... !

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Fight Club+Romance=Disaster

I just challenged Coworker X to a cage match...to the death...via a meeting request.

Could it be that I lack that necessary gene that keeps me from acting normal around boys I am attracted to?

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

He Sham-rock's my office environment.

In a turn of events that I could not have seen coming, Coworker X has proved to be a nice guy-as well as a cutie mc’ cutie pants…forget I just said that.

Earlier today, in a conversation about St. Patrick’s Day, I asked Coworker X if he would like to make a Shamrock Shake run with me today (translation: take a trip to McDonald’s to get a shake). X replied that he is, unfortunately, lactose intolerant and is not be able to drink shakes.

I told him that this was unfortunate, not only because he is missing out on one of the best food groups available (translation: cheese), but also because Shamrock Shakes are a delicacy…and only available one month out of the year. I then proceeded to make a strong case as to why, I believe, Shamrock Shakes should be given their own spot on the food pyramid before heading reluctantly back to my desk.

Not two hours go by, before I hear someone say my name over my shoulder-and there, with a Shamrock Shake for yours truly, is Coworker X.

Whatta guy...whatta shake!!!

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Monday, March 12, 2007

Flirting failure in the first degree.

I am socially awkward.

And nowhere is this better evidenced than the times that I am trying to interact with cute boys that I have crushes on.

Take for example, just moments ago when cute new Coworker X walked by my desk and made some joke about how his desk chair was broken and how it was probably my fault.

Now I am not really sure what a normal person might do in these circumstances, but I responded: “Are you trying to start something here? Cause I have some rhinestone rings that I can flip around to fight you with-and they do break the skin……just kidding!!! Maybe.”

So not only did I threaten to slap him with my rhinestone rings-but I did so as he was walking away from me-so half the office heard my lame, and potentially-violent comeback.

Apply open palm swiftly to forehead. Repeat.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Deli-emma

Coworker G smells like a hot dog.

This might be acceptable if we were standing outside the bars at two in the morning with nothing but our drunken need to snack keeping us from passing out in the nearest snow bank; but it’s not two in the morning, and we're not on a street corner outside of the bars. We are in an office building! No, Coworker G, this simply will not do.

Sadly, short of hosing G down with an industrial-sized bottle of Febreeze in a sneak attack outside the ladies bathroom, or leaving a subversive arsenal of travel-sized ketchup/mustard/relish packets at her desk as a gentle hint-I have a sinking feeling I am going to have to suffer in silence on this one.

I guess I should just add this to the ever-growing list of office-related injustices I have been forced to endure over the past few year. It could be worse, of course. G could smell of deli-meat and constantly try talking to me about my feelings.

Oscar Mayer you fiend!

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Monday, March 05, 2007

Extreme times call for extreme measures.

For some time now I have been speaking out against squirrels. This may not always be the popular opinion and it is certainly not the R.C. (Rodently Correct) stance; but I am glad to see that I am not alone. As we all know, I need constant positive reinforcement-which was way I was so thrilled to learn about THIS movement in Santa Monica, California.

Apparently, in attempts to get a handle on the unnervingly fast-growing squirrel population, the local government has proposed a solution that would require all female squirrels to go on….wait for it…birth control! Not only will this work to limit squirrel babies, but the hormones will also quell erratic squirrel mood swings and late-night Nutter Butter cravings.

Now I would have suggested luring the squirrels onto a giant raft and then setting them adrift into the Pacific…but that solution is probably one of the many reasons why I would never win a spot in local government. Ultimately, you will probably have to read the article to get the details, but the highlight for me came in a quote from animal activist Catherine Rich.

"There is not a pressing threat of squirrels attacking people," Rich said, "so I don't know why the county is getting their panties in a bunch."

Ooooh Catherine, so deluded in your happy little Tofu-PETA bubble. No pressing squirrel attack? Are you nuts?!? They are just biding their time Catherine, biding their time.

CLICK HERE to read the entire story.

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

The Last King of Scotland...its not Hugh Grant

Last weekend, I made plans with my mother to see what I THOUGHT was going to be a carefree night at the movies with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (see Music and Lyrics); however, no sooner had my mom picked me up, that I could tell MY plans were about to change.

Mom: Would it be ok if we went to see The Last King of Scotland instead?

Westchester: (Pause) What is The Last King of Scotland?

Mom: It that movie with Forest Whitaker about a tyrannical dictator in Uganda...and its supposed to be really good. PLEASE!

Now, HAD I been paying for my own movie ticket, I may have had a fighting chance in this debate; however, as my Mom was fitting the bill my negotiating chip was limited to some poorly-executed whining AND my puppy dog face (which never works, by the way) so The Last King of Scotland it was.

Don't get me wrong, the movie was not bad. On the contrary, The Last King of Scotland was very powerful with moving performances across the board; however, it being a lazy Saturday afternoon-with me in the mood for romantic fluff and Hugh Grant-all "Scotland" did was drive me to the drink.

Instead of clever dialog and flirtatious glances, there were severed arms and scenes of torture; and, where I had hoped for light-hearted comedy building towards a romantic liaison between good-looking leads, I got a torrid affair that culminated with the torture/slaying of an unfaithful wife.

So, while I would recommend seeing The Last King of Scotland- I would also recommend on a trip to the bar afterwards; because, like Schindler's List and All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 before it-The Last King of Scotland was a lot to handle.

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